Don Imus's (a.k.a. Leatherface) recent use of the phrase "nappy-headed hos" to describe the Rutgers University women's basketball team was offensive, juvenile, and pigheaded.
But, to me, it was far from surprising.
It's widely known that African-American culture is often co-opted, exploited, and exaggerated for highly dubious "comedic" value from the Hollywood backlot to the office water cooler. Judging from this incident, you'd think it was a big secret that non-blacks make huge fools of themselves on a daily basis trying to be funny by completely missing the point of several cultural tropes with which they are unfamiliar.
And to head off any more confusion and outrage, I'm going to let you in on another open secret: the biggest fools of all are white people. Perhaps this only manifests itself in groups where only Caucasians are present, but assuming an exaggerated "blackness" for comedic effect--juxtaposing the culturally cool with the decidedly wack--is rather common. Yet instead of being comedic or cool it's just, well, decidedly wack. You can't polish a turd, folks.
Quite simply, white people do this sort of thing all the time.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take much for this sort of cavalier attitude towards the appropriation of a different culture to turn into full-blown racism. Case in point: at one of the USC women's basketball games I attended this year (sitting in the front row, as is my custom), one of my fellow students encouraged chants of "Your weave is nappy!" at opposing black players. I was left to ponder where I, as a fan, should draw the line between the psychology of heckling/antagonism and the psychology of bigotry.
Therefore, I'm ashamed as a sports fan and a human being that Imus crossed that line.
But as a white person, I'm simply embarrassed that we are still thinking that we don't look stupid dropping words like "nappy" in public. Because it's not just the racism that makes us look foolish. Please, white folks, observe, learn, and never, ever repeat:
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Tao of Darren Daulton
Where have you gone, Dutch?
I remember going to "Darren Daulton Day" at the Vet as a lad. Times were tough then: the Phillies were not only the gainful employers of Mark Lewis but also Desi Relaford. In those days, we all expected the Phils to stink.
What is occurring now is beyond all rational explanation. Stumbling to a 1-6 start for the third time in four years with this core group of players simply makes no sense. I mean, Pat Burrell is actually leading the team in average with RISP right now. The world isn't just turned upside down, it's grotesquely expanding and bursting into a million little chunks like the bad guy at the end of Live and Let Die.
That's why the Phillies need to take a drastic measure to stop the bleeding. They need somebody well-versed in the surreal nature of Philadelphia sports. They need a guide to put them on the right cosmic pathway after years of aimless astral wandering.
They need the wisdom of Darren Daulton, All-Star catcher and noted metaphysics enthusiast:
When I share my thoughts and experiences with them, I tell them there's absolutely no way their minds can comprehend what I'm trying to relate. My friends are limited to the five senses.
Translation: I played over 1,000 games for the Phillies. Then I won a World Series. In Florida. Playing in front of the type of people who didn't even have enough gas money to get to the beach. That should be enough motivation for you guys.
Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram.
Translation: Sabermetrics is very, very real. Keep an eye on Cole Hamels's WHIP and realize that Ryan Howard's 155 Runs Created will be leveled somehow this year. Everybody hits. Woo-hoo.
Numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE.
Translation: Heed the example of Jimmy Rollins--hit for contact, work on defensive fundamentals, and hustle. His leadership is invaluable.
At one point everyone was against me, kind of like I'd struck out with the bases loaded. Whenever my thoughts got totally negative, it would automatically rain.
Translation: Do not worry about the booing. Rain delays and makeup doubleheaders heal all wounds.
What goes above, also goes below.
Translation: The firings of Ed Wade and David Bell were long overdue.
The universe is made of vibrating energy. When energy vibrates fast enough on our 3-D plane, matter becomes invisible.
Translation: Try the hidden-ball trick once in a while. But not when Jamie Moyer is "pitching."
The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012. On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence.
Translation: Negotiate Howard's next contract wisely. And if you haven't won anything with the same group of guys year after year, then it's obviously a personnel problem. Do not fear change.
I can't wait to disappear. I'd disappear today if I could. I just try to live in the Now.
Translation: There's always next year.
Beam Us Up, Dutchie [SI.com]
Monday, April 9, 2007
Unreasonable Doubt: NHL Playoffs 2007
In this increasingly unstable world, it's nice to know you can count a few things once mid-April rolls around: the first robin of spring, the Phillies digging themselves a hole to China in the NL East, and the Stanley Cup playoffs.
Regular season hockey is hard for me to watch, even when I can manage to find it stranded on some godforsaken strip of the basic cable wasteland. These issues were only exacerbated by the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season since, well, ever.
But I generally don't follow the NHL until the playoffs start anyway, as is customary for non-puckheads who prefer crazy triple-overtime thrillers to fretting over Shane Doan's plus-minus or whether the Blue Jackets' use of the trap strengthens their penalty kill. I watch it mostly for all the movement and pretty colors. That glowing puck was really purty back in the day.
Therefore, I shall preview each upcoming first-round series by examining the relative merits of each team's logo, as I know next to nothing about hockey except that it is home to some of the more garish designs in professional sports:
Buffalo Sabres v. New York Islanders
The "Buffaslug" is the new powerhouse of sports logos, mixing a classic color scheme with born-in-a-focus-group "edginess." It looks like the phlegm kids cough up when they swallow too much pool water. And who isn't intimidated by that? The Isles don't stand a chance, even if they change their logo back to the Gorton's Fisherman. Sabres in four.
New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Lightning
The Devils have a lot of mojo since they've cornered the market on Satanic imagery in pro sports, even if their GM changes coaches more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. And Tampa unwisely combines two of my pet peeves: a non-plural nickname and a graphical scheme reminiscent of a 1980s anti-drug PSA. Devils in six.
Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers
What the hell is that? The Thrashers, always at the vanguard of the butt-ugly, will remind more people of a Harry Potter book cover than a competent hockey team. Who cares if the Rangers are a bit utilitarian? Rangers in seven.
Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins
You know, the capital of a democratic welfare state still beholden to the Queen of England easily conjures up memories of Marc Antony and Augustus Caesar. Consider the Penguins flightless barbarians, who shall smite the mighty Canadian Empire even though their marketing department has inadvertently turned the logo into a gay pride symbol. Penguins in six.
Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames
A flying tire is dumb. A flaming letter "C" is just plain unimaginative. Red Wings in five.
Anaheim Ducks v. Minnesota Wild
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's start with Anaheim: I can't tell if that's a capital "D" or a spaceship. Plus they dropped the "Mighty." They are flirting with some serious bad karma right there. Then there's Minnesota. It's like a paper towel landscape on acid, and far too reminiscent of another logo seemingly concocted after a lengthy Indian-style vision quest. Ducks in six (five if they use the Knucklepuck).
Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Stars
I've always wondered what an angry whale bursting out of a blue cocoon had to do with Canadian nationalism. To be fair, though, it's hard to represent people that look just like Americans but talk with a funny accent in a graphical sense. Kudos to Dallas for keeping it simple and reminding me of Ed McMahon-hosted talent shows. Stars in seven.
Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks
Forget the fact that Nashville's logo looks like a Transformers Beast Wars reject: there is only one Predator, and it looks like this. I like San Jose's logo a lot better based purely on the assumption that the design was stolen from the cover of a third-grader's notebook. Chomp on that stick! Sharks in seven.
And if it matters, I'll take the Sabres over the Ducks in six games for the Cup.
Regular season hockey is hard for me to watch, even when I can manage to find it stranded on some godforsaken strip of the basic cable wasteland. These issues were only exacerbated by the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season since, well, ever.
But I generally don't follow the NHL until the playoffs start anyway, as is customary for non-puckheads who prefer crazy triple-overtime thrillers to fretting over Shane Doan's plus-minus or whether the Blue Jackets' use of the trap strengthens their penalty kill. I watch it mostly for all the movement and pretty colors. That glowing puck was really purty back in the day.
Therefore, I shall preview each upcoming first-round series by examining the relative merits of each team's logo, as I know next to nothing about hockey except that it is home to some of the more garish designs in professional sports:
Buffalo Sabres v. New York Islanders
The "Buffaslug" is the new powerhouse of sports logos, mixing a classic color scheme with born-in-a-focus-group "edginess." It looks like the phlegm kids cough up when they swallow too much pool water. And who isn't intimidated by that? The Isles don't stand a chance, even if they change their logo back to the Gorton's Fisherman. Sabres in four.
New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Lightning
The Devils have a lot of mojo since they've cornered the market on Satanic imagery in pro sports, even if their GM changes coaches more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. And Tampa unwisely combines two of my pet peeves: a non-plural nickname and a graphical scheme reminiscent of a 1980s anti-drug PSA. Devils in six.
Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers
What the hell is that? The Thrashers, always at the vanguard of the butt-ugly, will remind more people of a Harry Potter book cover than a competent hockey team. Who cares if the Rangers are a bit utilitarian? Rangers in seven.
Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins
You know, the capital of a democratic welfare state still beholden to the Queen of England easily conjures up memories of Marc Antony and Augustus Caesar. Consider the Penguins flightless barbarians, who shall smite the mighty Canadian Empire even though their marketing department has inadvertently turned the logo into a gay pride symbol. Penguins in six.
Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames
A flying tire is dumb. A flaming letter "C" is just plain unimaginative. Red Wings in five.
Anaheim Ducks v. Minnesota Wild
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's start with Anaheim: I can't tell if that's a capital "D" or a spaceship. Plus they dropped the "Mighty." They are flirting with some serious bad karma right there. Then there's Minnesota. It's like a paper towel landscape on acid, and far too reminiscent of another logo seemingly concocted after a lengthy Indian-style vision quest. Ducks in six (five if they use the Knucklepuck).
Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Stars
I've always wondered what an angry whale bursting out of a blue cocoon had to do with Canadian nationalism. To be fair, though, it's hard to represent people that look just like Americans but talk with a funny accent in a graphical sense. Kudos to Dallas for keeping it simple and reminding me of Ed McMahon-hosted talent shows. Stars in seven.
Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks
Forget the fact that Nashville's logo looks like a Transformers Beast Wars reject: there is only one Predator, and it looks like this. I like San Jose's logo a lot better based purely on the assumption that the design was stolen from the cover of a third-grader's notebook. Chomp on that stick! Sharks in seven.
And if it matters, I'll take the Sabres over the Ducks in six games for the Cup.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Jeff Lurie Is Not A Fan of the Temple Owls
Temple University had high hopes for its 2007 season opener against Navy, with former Owls/Middies coach Wayne Hardin going so far to "guarantee" a crowd of 66,000--perhaps forgetting that it doesn't take a lot of armed forces personnel to keep the ships in mothballs down at the Naval Yard.
Nevertheless, Temple's quest to fill the Linc just got even harder. Originally scheduled for Thursday, August 30, a Philadelphia Eagles preseason game has forced Temple to move the game to Friday.
Astute vacation planners (if there are such people) may note that August 31 is the first day of the long Labor Day weekend. Mike Gibson of Philly.com is one of those people:
Anyone who's grown up in Philadelphia knows the town virtually empties out on the Friday of the Labor Day weekend, with people mostly headed "down the shore" for one last fling before the long, cold winter. There is virtually no chance that Temple would get what current coach Al Golden calls an "unprecedented crowd" on any other night but Thursday.The date was on Owlsports.com, the school's official athletic Web site. It was on the Lincoln Financial Field site, which I got to by clicking on a link on philadelphia eagles.com. The Phillies even switched a date to accommodate Temple, but not the Eagles.
The sad reality is that an Eagles-Jets preseason tilt, featuring a possible brother vs. brother clash between Marques and Zach Tuiasosopo (which I know you're dying to see), would be a much bigger draw than a Temple football game, even if they got the Navy Seabees to flood the field at halftime and airlift a bunch of Playboy centerfolds onto a floating stage to throw t-shirts into the crowd a la Apocalypse Now.
In fact, I'm not sure that Temple's continued delusions of I-A (excuse me, "Bowl Division") football relevance is good for the overall health of their athletic program. Exhibit A: no NCAA tournament appearances for Temple men's basketball since 2001 (beating Penn State in the Sweet 16, a game whose very existence boggles the mind today). And what happened to all those "Big 5" marquee clashes at the Palestra?Furthermore, it's incredibly difficult for big-city colleges to establish themselves as legitimate sports/entertainment draws, let alone championship contenders. For every USC and Miami, there's a Northwestern or a Rice or a Tulane.
Not that any of this will change Temple's mind. Remember, this is an athletic department that mirthfully notes the MAC Championship Game on the 2007-08 schedule. The show, it seems, must go on.
Say It Ain't So, Joe [Philly.com]
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Gladiators on ESPN Classic: Contenders Ready?
Just when I think stuff like the Michael Bay Transformers movie threatens to neuralize the best parts of my childhood, ESPN Classic begins airing reruns of American Gladiators.
AG was the quintessential American game show--average Joes and Janes risking life and limb for a modest cash prize. I still maintain that, despite (or perhaps because of) its circus-like atmosphere, it is the most realistic game show ever produced.
It was also the most forgiving, which might be strange to say about a show that forced contestants to scramble up a rock wall while being chased by a freakish Adonis twice their size. But if I'm going to lose a shot at 10K, I'd rather it be because I nearly got my head taken off fighting some dude named "Turbo" with a giant Q-Tip than because I lost some octogenarian's putting contest.
Classic has made the somewhat disappointing decision to air AG from the very beginning, when everything was in the awkward feeling-out stage: back when Joust took place on a single narrow platform, when Joe Theismann was the Tango to Mike Adamle's Cash, when people like this dude haunted the Gladiator "locker room" (where they eventually did put a camera to help advance the show's narrative, mostly involving a Gladiator snarling and launching spittle like in a pro wrestling interview).
It's still worth watching if you've got Classic (7 PM weekdays, 9 AM weekends), and it will only get better when they reach the episodes where AG really started hitting its stride--the deadly-serious color commentary of Larry Csonka, the dream team of Nitro and Laser, and (good God) the terrifying hamster-ball demolition derby called Atlasphere.
Unfortunately, there's no good video of the 'Sphere, so here's some footage of my other personal favorite: Breakthrough and Conquer. The testosterone meter is off the charts here--Quick! Score a touchdown! Done? Good. NOW WRESTLE THIS GUY!
AG was the quintessential American game show--average Joes and Janes risking life and limb for a modest cash prize. I still maintain that, despite (or perhaps because of) its circus-like atmosphere, it is the most realistic game show ever produced.
It was also the most forgiving, which might be strange to say about a show that forced contestants to scramble up a rock wall while being chased by a freakish Adonis twice their size. But if I'm going to lose a shot at 10K, I'd rather it be because I nearly got my head taken off fighting some dude named "Turbo" with a giant Q-Tip than because I lost some octogenarian's putting contest.
Classic has made the somewhat disappointing decision to air AG from the very beginning, when everything was in the awkward feeling-out stage: back when Joust took place on a single narrow platform, when Joe Theismann was the Tango to Mike Adamle's Cash, when people like this dude haunted the Gladiator "locker room" (where they eventually did put a camera to help advance the show's narrative, mostly involving a Gladiator snarling and launching spittle like in a pro wrestling interview).
It's still worth watching if you've got Classic (7 PM weekdays, 9 AM weekends), and it will only get better when they reach the episodes where AG really started hitting its stride--the deadly-serious color commentary of Larry Csonka, the dream team of Nitro and Laser, and (good God) the terrifying hamster-ball demolition derby called Atlasphere.
Unfortunately, there's no good video of the 'Sphere, so here's some footage of my other personal favorite: Breakthrough and Conquer. The testosterone meter is off the charts here--Quick! Score a touchdown! Done? Good. NOW WRESTLE THIS GUY!
Friday, April 6, 2007
MLB Doesn't Care About Canada
Apparently, Major League Baseball thinks highly of the Toronto Blue Jays--why else would all their games be pay-per-view?
Though there are a few slots yet to be filled on the broadcast schedule, the Jays are one of three teams (along with Baltimore and Kansas City) to not have a single game featured on national television this season. Unless the Jays are playing your hometown team, you'll need the Extra Innings package to see any of Roy Halladay, Vernon Wells, and Co.
Conversely, Texas gets seven nationally-televised games. And FOX is presumably leaving Toronto off its schedule to give baseball fans compelling match-ups like this:
Saturday, July 21
3:30 p.m.
Colorado Rockies at Washington Nationals
Though there are a few slots yet to be filled on the broadcast schedule, the Jays are one of three teams (along with Baltimore and Kansas City) to not have a single game featured on national television this season. Unless the Jays are playing your hometown team, you'll need the Extra Innings package to see any of Roy Halladay, Vernon Wells, and Co.
Conversely, Texas gets seven nationally-televised games. And FOX is presumably leaving Toronto off its schedule to give baseball fans compelling match-ups like this:
Saturday, July 21
3:30 p.m.
Colorado Rockies at Washington Nationals
| Slowly but surely, the Jays are getting 'Spoed. |
Thursday, April 5, 2007
A Shortlist of Clubs That Have A Better Record Than The Phillies
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Kansas City Royals
Seattle Mariners
Washington Nationals
Chicago Cubs
Colorado Rockies/Arizona Diamondbacks
What do all those teams have in common?
They all finished last in their respective divisions in 2006.
So the Phils are off to their traditional slow start, getting swept in their first series of the year for the second year in a row. Today was a further reminder that they should have spent Adam Eaton's money keeping Randy Wolf around. The Baker Bowl's new favorite player, Braves first baseman Scott Thorman, was 1 for 4 with a 2-run double.
Bright spots: Multi-hit games for Face Utley, J-Roll, Aaron Rowand, and Pat Burrell, precisely the kind of output they need to take some pressure off the Big Guy. Also, the continued dominance of the bullpen (save for Flash Gordon and Ryan Madson). Fittingly, this was the area of the team speculated to be the weakest; the Phillies once again prove that we know nothing.
Downers: Fourteen Phillies left on base. I'm almost positive that they have the most total LOB of any franchise in MLB history. Can we get Elias Sports Bureau to research that?
T-minus two games before Ryan Howard starts getting booed (if it hasn't happened already). And say hello to another bullpen arm--a former Blue Jay....heyyy.
Gills, what did I say about more Blue Jays?
Kansas City Royals
Seattle Mariners
Washington Nationals
Chicago Cubs
Colorado Rockies/Arizona Diamondbacks
What do all those teams have in common?
They all finished last in their respective divisions in 2006.
So the Phils are off to their traditional slow start, getting swept in their first series of the year for the second year in a row. Today was a further reminder that they should have spent Adam Eaton's money keeping Randy Wolf around. The Baker Bowl's new favorite player, Braves first baseman Scott Thorman, was 1 for 4 with a 2-run double.
Bright spots: Multi-hit games for Face Utley, J-Roll, Aaron Rowand, and Pat Burrell, precisely the kind of output they need to take some pressure off the Big Guy. Also, the continued dominance of the bullpen (save for Flash Gordon and Ryan Madson). Fittingly, this was the area of the team speculated to be the weakest; the Phillies once again prove that we know nothing.
Downers: Fourteen Phillies left on base. I'm almost positive that they have the most total LOB of any franchise in MLB history. Can we get Elias Sports Bureau to research that?
T-minus two games before Ryan Howard starts getting booed (if it hasn't happened already). And say hello to another bullpen arm--a former Blue Jay....heyyy.
Gills, what did I say about more Blue Jays?
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