It's Always Gloomy In Philadelphia

The faces tell the story of the Phils' NLDS collapse against the Rockies, but the numbers don't do a bad job, either:

26 strikeouts in three games. A .172 team batting average. A 5.54 team ERA. 7 runs allowed by the bullpen (plus the 3 charged to Kyle Kendrick that are partially Kyle Lohse's fault). The Phils' weaknesses were exposed--in embarrassing fashion--in front of a national audience. The only consolation is that now the entire organization knows what it has to fix (let's begin the shortlist with the 'pen and the offense's ineffectiveness against lefty pitching. I mean, Mark Redman? Come on!).

Watching this series was like watching Peter O'Toole lose an Academy Award to Orlando Bloom. For an old franchise with a sprawling hard-luck history punctuated by occasional excellence, it's upsetting to watch the young, super-hyped media darlings clinch a seemingly undeserving series win. But I give credit to the Rockies. In a year where four Divisional Series sweeps are a distinct possibility, the Rox are the only team to do it without playing the first two games at their home park (though, arguably, the conditions at CBP do a good job of simulating those at Coors). I certainly find them more legitimate than the D-Backs, whose smoke-and-mirrors bullpen and lack of offensive consistency will have to catch up with them in a seven-game series.

The second-inning stadium blackout in Game 3 was an apt metaphor of the way the Phillies simply wilted under the bright lights and high pressure of the playoffs. It's hard to believe how quickly the giddy euphoria of one week can turn into abject failure and despondency. Lest we forget, in October, the darkness starts falling faster.

There will be plenty to occupy Phillies fans in the coming months--the uncertain futures of Uncle Charlie and Aaron Rowand, the looming contract of Ryan Howard, the imminent buyout of Rod Barajas, etc. The front office has a lot of work to do this winter to ensure that this nucleus that is reaching its peak can build upon this spectacular run to the division title and deliver even more.

The Baker Bowl hates to see the season end this way. We hate to see some of these guys leave the Phillies like this (though we might express some restrained joy for the departure of others). And most of all, we're weary from the bipolar highs and lows that were the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies.

But come next spring, hopes will rise again. The grass will be freshly clipped and the beer freshly tapped for the thousands of red-shirted maniacs ready to see our guys give it another try. We'll be there with them--like always.

Unreasonable Doubt: NBA Playoffs 2007

In team sports, you're only as strong as your weakest link. I believe that is especially true in the NBA. Why?

Because it gives me a nice theme to go on here.

Look, it's easy to give reasons why a team will win. But this is the Baker Bowl, and we are more interesting in looking at the doom lurking around every corner. So after much redundant and expensive-looking research, I have identified the key weaknesses of each playoff team. Enjoy these tasty first-round predictions:

Detroit Pistons v. Orlando Magic
Detroit's weakness: That rowdy Auburn Hills fanbase, making the Palace the Black Hole of the NBA. Plus their backup point guard is named "Lindsay."
Orlando's weakness: The gainful employment of J.J. Redick, and the bad karma of an non-plural nickname.
Detroit in four: Grant Hill will start whimpering in the corner once the first tube of Chapstick rains down on his bald head.

Cleveland Cavaliers v. Washington Wizards
Cleveland's weakness: Everyone with a name that doesn't start with "LeBro" and end with "Njames."
Washington's weakness: Lack of a real wizard, shaman, magician, or even a medicine man. Who's going to cast a +5 agility boost on Antwan Jamison in crunch time?
Cleveland in five: The playoffs just won't be the same without this guy. We miss you, Gilbert.

Toronto Raptors v. New Jersey Nets
Toronto's weakness: Playing in Canada.
New Jersey's weakness: Playing in New Jersey.
Toronto in seven: Can you name three Nets?

Miami Heat v. Chicago Bulls
Miami's weakness: Shaq's refusal to recognize the legitimacy of the Nationwide Basketball Society.
Chicago's weakness: Two seconds on the clock. Two points behind. The ball in Ben Gordon's hands.
Chicago in seven: Really, Shaq is crazy. I don't know why he hasn't jumped the shark yet. It's one of life's great mysteries.

Western Conference
Dallas Mavericks v. Golden State Warriors
Dallas's weakness: Avery Johnson's hand was just minding its own business and then this pair of testicles just jumped right in front of him!
Golden State's weakness: The ever-present threat of a lawsuit from FTD Florists.
Dallas in four: Both of these teams also have the dubious distinction of having employed Christian Laettner!

Phoenix Suns v. Los Angeles Lakers
Phoenix's weakness: Steve Nash's uncanny resemblance to this guy...*shudder*
L.A.'s weakness: Should we start with the point guard named "Smush" or the hideous Walton progeny spawning off the bench?
Phoenix in six: And Kobe will score at least 40 in every game.

San Antonio Spurs v. Denver Nuggets
San Antonio's weakness: The lack of a restraining order against Joey Crawford.
Denver's weakness: The adoption of Allen Iverson's philosophy on practice. (Hint: it's not a game)
San Antonio in six: Spurs basketball--the cure for insomnia!

Utah Jazz v. Houston Rockets
Utah's weakness: The inevitable moment when everyone realizes that "jazz" does not and cannot exist anywhere in Salt Lake City and the entire franchise disappears with a little "poof" of irrelevance.
Houston's weakness: Dikembe Mutombo finds out that the primo seats at the State of the Union address come with a five-year commitment to the Marines.
Houston in seven: I think the tall Chinese fellow is finally ready to break out. People are gonna know his name before the month's over.

Suns in five over the Bulls for the title, finally surmounting the Upper Midwest's stranglehold on major pro sports championships this year.

HOLY CRAP! THE WARRIORS MADE THE PLAYOFFS!

Baron Davis and Golden State Warriors fans are pumped for the team's first playoff berth in 12 years:



WAY TO GO, GUYS! Seriously, it's awesome to see the Warriors back in the postseason. Rick Barry would be proud.

Actually, he won a championship, so his expectations might be higher. Let's settle for making Chris Mullin proud.

And to think people probably laughed at that guy when he bought a jersey and floor seats at the Oracle Arena.

Playoff preview coming soon.

Sixers Finally Out Of Playoff Hunt, Self-Loathing Can Begin

Though it might have been a case of the Eastern Conference stooping down to accommodate them, the Philadelphia 76ers actually managed to keep themselves in the race for the 8th playoff seed until losing to the Orlando Magic this afternoon. Shavlik Randolph can now stop pretending to rehab his ankle and concentrate on deflecting people wishing to bring their gayness on him.

Can you imagine the Sixers sneaking into the playoffs? Would people even have noticed?

There's a surprising amount of good news in all of this. The Sixers have been playing .500 ball since the Allen Iverson trade (and 24-20 since they pulled a K-Fed on Chris Webber), quite miraculous for a team that had lost 12 in a row at one point in the season. They'd be a "second-half" playoff team in the East, no question.

But that's not all--the Nuggets included TWO first round picks in this upcoming draft (projected to be the deepest draft since 2003--pretty much because they're forcing kids to take one year of college now) with Joe Smith and Andre Miller. That's like passing up three European vacations on the Showcase Showdown for a sweet motorcycle, an ugly dinette set, and a huge jukebox that you don't even have room for in your garage. Thanks, Denver!

Some current projections have Philly taking a lot of "name" college players. I'm high on Acie Law, but I'd also like to see them get a legitimate center.

This is but another manifestation of addition by subtraction. More importantly, it's more evidence to support my dad's "always trade your most talented, athletic player" theory--if he's popular but hasn't won a championship within a few years, he must go. This was right on the money for Bobby Abreu, who had become my father's favorite whipping boy the past few seasons.

He has similarly railed on Iverson ever since the Finals loss in 2001. He always contended that A.I. was only around for the purpose of A.I.S.--Asses In Seats. I would also point to the fact that the "Controversy" section of Iverson's Wikipedia page is not only footnoted but organized chronologically over several years.

Now I'm thinking he might really be on to something. Brian Dawkins and Simon Gagne had better call their agents.

Unreasonable Doubt: NHL Playoffs 2007

In this increasingly unstable world, it's nice to know you can count a few things once mid-April rolls around: the first robin of spring, the Phillies digging themselves a hole to China in the NL East, and the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Regular season hockey is hard for me to watch, even when I can manage to find it stranded on some godforsaken strip of the basic cable wasteland. These issues were only exacerbated by the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season since, well, ever.

But I generally don't follow the NHL until the playoffs start anyway, as is customary for non-puckheads who prefer crazy triple-overtime thrillers to fretting over Shane Doan's plus-minus or whether the Blue Jackets' use of the trap strengthens their penalty kill. I watch it mostly for all the movement and pretty colors. That glowing puck was really purty back in the day.

Therefore, I shall preview each upcoming first-round series by examining the relative merits of each team's logo, as I know next to nothing about hockey except that it is home to some of the more garish designs in professional sports:

Buffalo Sabres v. New York Islanders



The "Buffaslug" is the new powerhouse of sports logos, mixing a classic color scheme with born-in-a-focus-group "edginess." It looks like the phlegm kids cough up when they swallow too much pool water. And who isn't intimidated by that? The Isles don't stand a chance, even if they change their logo back to the Gorton's Fisherman. Sabres in four.

New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Lightning



The Devils have a lot of mojo since they've cornered the market on Satanic imagery in pro sports, even if their GM changes coaches more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. And Tampa unwisely combines two of my pet peeves: a non-plural nickname and a graphical scheme reminiscent of a 1980s anti-drug PSA. Devils in six.

Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers



What the hell is that? The Thrashers, always at the vanguard of the butt-ugly, will remind more people of a Harry Potter book cover than a competent hockey team. Who cares if the Rangers are a bit utilitarian? Rangers in seven.

Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins



You know, the capital of a democratic welfare state still beholden to the Queen of England easily conjures up memories of Marc Antony and Augustus Caesar. Consider the Penguins flightless barbarians, who shall smite the mighty Canadian Empire even though their marketing department has inadvertently turned the logo into a gay pride symbol. Penguins in six.

Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames



A flying tire is dumb. A flaming letter "C" is just plain unimaginative. Red Wings in five.

Anaheim Ducks v. Minnesota Wild



Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's start with Anaheim: I can't tell if that's a capital "D" or a spaceship. Plus they dropped the "Mighty." They are flirting with some serious bad karma right there. Then there's Minnesota. It's like a paper towel landscape on acid, and far too reminiscent of another logo seemingly concocted after a lengthy Indian-style vision quest. Ducks in six (five if they use the Knucklepuck).

Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Stars


I've always wondered what an angry whale bursting out of a blue cocoon had to do with Canadian nationalism. To be fair, though, it's hard to represent people that look just like Americans but talk with a funny accent in a graphical sense. Kudos to Dallas for keeping it simple and reminding me of Ed McMahon-hosted talent shows. Stars in seven.

Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks



Forget the fact that Nashville's logo looks like a Transformers Beast Wars reject: there is only one Predator, and it looks like this. I like San Jose's logo a lot better based purely on the assumption that the design was stolen from the cover of a third-grader's notebook. Chomp on that stick! Sharks in seven.

And if it matters, I'll take the Sabres over the Ducks in six games for the Cup.