Last month I hyped the FA Cup semifinal between perennial English Premier League juggernaut Manchester United and Watford F.C., the George Mason of this year's tournament.
A 4-1 drubbing is not exactly what I had in mind, but at least Watford can look back proudly on this little run once they're bounced from the EPL in a month. ManU star Wayne Rooney scored two goals, which is all they really needed.
But all things considered, they're lucky to escape without an incident like this:
FUN FACT: The Portuguese guy (Portuguy?) that argues to eject Rooney is Cristiano Ronaldo, his Manchester teammate. Awk-ward!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Sixers Finally Out Of Playoff Hunt, Self-Loathing Can Begin
Though it might have been a case of the Eastern Conference stooping down to accommodate them, the Philadelphia 76ers actually managed to keep themselves in the race for the 8th playoff seed until losing to the Orlando Magic this afternoon. Shavlik Randolph can now stop pretending to rehab his ankle and concentrate on deflecting people wishing to bring their gayness on him.
Can you imagine the Sixers sneaking into the playoffs? Would people even have noticed?
There's a surprising amount of good news in all of this. The Sixers have been playing .500 ball since the Allen Iverson trade (and 24-20 since they pulled a K-Fed on Chris Webber), quite miraculous for a team that had lost 12 in a row at one point in the season. They'd be a "second-half" playoff team in the East, no question.
But that's not all--the Nuggets included TWO first round picks in this upcoming draft (projected to be the deepest draft since 2003--pretty much because they're forcing kids to take one year of college now) with Joe Smith and Andre Miller. That's like passing up three European vacations on the Showcase Showdown for a sweet motorcycle, an ugly dinette set, and a huge jukebox that you don't even have room for in your garage. Thanks, Denver!
Some current projections have Philly taking a lot of "name" college players. I'm high on Acie Law, but I'd also like to see them get a legitimate center.
This is but another manifestation of addition by subtraction. More importantly, it's more evidence to support my dad's "always trade your most talented, athletic player" theory--if he's popular but hasn't won a championship within a few years, he must go. This was right on the money for Bobby Abreu, who had become my father's favorite whipping boy the past few seasons.
He has similarly railed on Iverson ever since the Finals loss in 2001. He always contended that A.I. was only around for the purpose of A.I.S.--Asses In Seats. I would also point to the fact that the "Controversy" section of Iverson's Wikipedia page is not only footnoted but organized chronologically over several years.
Now I'm thinking he might really be on to something. Brian Dawkins and Simon Gagne had better call their agents.
Can you imagine the Sixers sneaking into the playoffs? Would people even have noticed?
There's a surprising amount of good news in all of this. The Sixers have been playing .500 ball since the Allen Iverson trade (and 24-20 since they pulled a K-Fed on Chris Webber), quite miraculous for a team that had lost 12 in a row at one point in the season. They'd be a "second-half" playoff team in the East, no question.
But that's not all--the Nuggets included TWO first round picks in this upcoming draft (projected to be the deepest draft since 2003--pretty much because they're forcing kids to take one year of college now) with Joe Smith and Andre Miller. That's like passing up three European vacations on the Showcase Showdown for a sweet motorcycle, an ugly dinette set, and a huge jukebox that you don't even have room for in your garage. Thanks, Denver!
Some current projections have Philly taking a lot of "name" college players. I'm high on Acie Law, but I'd also like to see them get a legitimate center.
This is but another manifestation of addition by subtraction. More importantly, it's more evidence to support my dad's "always trade your most talented, athletic player" theory--if he's popular but hasn't won a championship within a few years, he must go. This was right on the money for Bobby Abreu, who had become my father's favorite whipping boy the past few seasons.
He has similarly railed on Iverson ever since the Finals loss in 2001. He always contended that A.I. was only around for the purpose of A.I.S.--Asses In Seats. I would also point to the fact that the "Controversy" section of Iverson's Wikipedia page is not only footnoted but organized chronologically over several years.
Now I'm thinking he might really be on to something. Brian Dawkins and Simon Gagne had better call their agents.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Update: Malibu Speaks!
In a recent post about the American Gladiators reruns airing on ESPN Classic, I made a passing reference to Malibu, the goldilocked "beach bum" Gladiator who only lasted one season on the show.
I don't think it was necessarily sucking like a black hole of athleticism in every single event--notably losing to guys 40 pounds lighter than him in Breakthrough and Conquer--that got him canned.
No, I think it was stuff like this:
NERD ALERT: I also remember and relish this man (real name: Deron McBee) for his role as "Warrior" in the instructional video for the shameless "D&D as a board game" knockoff that was DragonStrike. And sweet Steve Nash, the whole damn thing is on YouTube. ("Cleric, use your MAGIC!") Thank me later.
I don't think it was necessarily sucking like a black hole of athleticism in every single event--notably losing to guys 40 pounds lighter than him in Breakthrough and Conquer--that got him canned.
No, I think it was stuff like this:
NERD ALERT: I also remember and relish this man (real name: Deron McBee) for his role as "Warrior" in the instructional video for the shameless "D&D as a board game" knockoff that was DragonStrike. And sweet Steve Nash, the whole damn thing is on YouTube. ("Cleric, use your MAGIC!") Thank me later.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Moyer's Fallen And He Can't Get Up
In a matchup of promising young arms today, the New York Mets' young phenom Tom Glavine defeated Philadelphia Phillies whiz kid Jamie Moyer.
This is the sort of matchup we should be enjoying for weeks to come, until their pensions kick in and they finally decide to enjoy themselves in that bizarro universe where a man can legitimately "retire" from his profession in his late 30s. I imagine it is a heavenly place, where Julio Franco organizes shuffleboard tournaments, Rickey Henderson teaches aquarobics, and David Wells is the spokesman for Liberty Medical Supply.
Seriously...a combined 85 years between the two starters. That would be remarkable if it weren't for the fact that Gavin Floyd was supposed to be in Moyer's position by now.
Next up on the schedule: the Houston Astros (who always seem to pop up early in the year for the Phils). The Phillies need to right the ship--fast. They'll have a good shot against the punchless 'Stros. Adam Everett is leading the offense in home runs, for Chrissakes. (That would be funnier to me if Lance Berkman wasn't my fantasy first baseman.)
Bright Spots: Whatever Jimmy Rollins is eating. He did a good job of responding to all the heckling and if the Phillies can't win enough to sustain a real rivalry with the Mets, then I have faith that J-Roll can take on the entire city of New York.
Downers: Ryan Howard, the Greatest American Hero:
Believe it or not, I'm swinging at air,
Hard to think I was MVP...
Swinging away, just a bat and a prayer,
Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's MVP!
This is the sort of matchup we should be enjoying for weeks to come, until their pensions kick in and they finally decide to enjoy themselves in that bizarro universe where a man can legitimately "retire" from his profession in his late 30s. I imagine it is a heavenly place, where Julio Franco organizes shuffleboard tournaments, Rickey Henderson teaches aquarobics, and David Wells is the spokesman for Liberty Medical Supply.
Seriously...a combined 85 years between the two starters. That would be remarkable if it weren't for the fact that Gavin Floyd was supposed to be in Moyer's position by now.
Next up on the schedule: the Houston Astros (who always seem to pop up early in the year for the Phils). The Phillies need to right the ship--fast. They'll have a good shot against the punchless 'Stros. Adam Everett is leading the offense in home runs, for Chrissakes. (That would be funnier to me if Lance Berkman wasn't my fantasy first baseman.)
Bright Spots: Whatever Jimmy Rollins is eating. He did a good job of responding to all the heckling and if the Phillies can't win enough to sustain a real rivalry with the Mets, then I have faith that J-Roll can take on the entire city of New York.
Downers: Ryan Howard, the Greatest American Hero:
Believe it or not, I'm swinging at air,
Hard to think I was MVP...
Swinging away, just a bat and a prayer,
Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's MVP!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
In Brief: The Don Imus Controversy
Don Imus's (a.k.a. Leatherface) recent use of the phrase "nappy-headed hos" to describe the Rutgers University women's basketball team was offensive, juvenile, and pigheaded.
But, to me, it was far from surprising.
It's widely known that African-American culture is often co-opted, exploited, and exaggerated for highly dubious "comedic" value from the Hollywood backlot to the office water cooler. Judging from this incident, you'd think it was a big secret that non-blacks make huge fools of themselves on a daily basis trying to be funny by completely missing the point of several cultural tropes with which they are unfamiliar.
And to head off any more confusion and outrage, I'm going to let you in on another open secret: the biggest fools of all are white people. Perhaps this only manifests itself in groups where only Caucasians are present, but assuming an exaggerated "blackness" for comedic effect--juxtaposing the culturally cool with the decidedly wack--is rather common. Yet instead of being comedic or cool it's just, well, decidedly wack. You can't polish a turd, folks.
Quite simply, white people do this sort of thing all the time.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take much for this sort of cavalier attitude towards the appropriation of a different culture to turn into full-blown racism. Case in point: at one of the USC women's basketball games I attended this year (sitting in the front row, as is my custom), one of my fellow students encouraged chants of "Your weave is nappy!" at opposing black players. I was left to ponder where I, as a fan, should draw the line between the psychology of heckling/antagonism and the psychology of bigotry.
Therefore, I'm ashamed as a sports fan and a human being that Imus crossed that line.
But as a white person, I'm simply embarrassed that we are still thinking that we don't look stupid dropping words like "nappy" in public. Because it's not just the racism that makes us look foolish. Please, white folks, observe, learn, and never, ever repeat:
But, to me, it was far from surprising.
It's widely known that African-American culture is often co-opted, exploited, and exaggerated for highly dubious "comedic" value from the Hollywood backlot to the office water cooler. Judging from this incident, you'd think it was a big secret that non-blacks make huge fools of themselves on a daily basis trying to be funny by completely missing the point of several cultural tropes with which they are unfamiliar.
And to head off any more confusion and outrage, I'm going to let you in on another open secret: the biggest fools of all are white people. Perhaps this only manifests itself in groups where only Caucasians are present, but assuming an exaggerated "blackness" for comedic effect--juxtaposing the culturally cool with the decidedly wack--is rather common. Yet instead of being comedic or cool it's just, well, decidedly wack. You can't polish a turd, folks.
Quite simply, white people do this sort of thing all the time.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take much for this sort of cavalier attitude towards the appropriation of a different culture to turn into full-blown racism. Case in point: at one of the USC women's basketball games I attended this year (sitting in the front row, as is my custom), one of my fellow students encouraged chants of "Your weave is nappy!" at opposing black players. I was left to ponder where I, as a fan, should draw the line between the psychology of heckling/antagonism and the psychology of bigotry.
Therefore, I'm ashamed as a sports fan and a human being that Imus crossed that line.
But as a white person, I'm simply embarrassed that we are still thinking that we don't look stupid dropping words like "nappy" in public. Because it's not just the racism that makes us look foolish. Please, white folks, observe, learn, and never, ever repeat:
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Tao of Darren Daulton
Where have you gone, Dutch?
I remember going to "Darren Daulton Day" at the Vet as a lad. Times were tough then: the Phillies were not only the gainful employers of Mark Lewis but also Desi Relaford. In those days, we all expected the Phils to stink.
What is occurring now is beyond all rational explanation. Stumbling to a 1-6 start for the third time in four years with this core group of players simply makes no sense. I mean, Pat Burrell is actually leading the team in average with RISP right now. The world isn't just turned upside down, it's grotesquely expanding and bursting into a million little chunks like the bad guy at the end of Live and Let Die.
That's why the Phillies need to take a drastic measure to stop the bleeding. They need somebody well-versed in the surreal nature of Philadelphia sports. They need a guide to put them on the right cosmic pathway after years of aimless astral wandering.
They need the wisdom of Darren Daulton, All-Star catcher and noted metaphysics enthusiast:
When I share my thoughts and experiences with them, I tell them there's absolutely no way their minds can comprehend what I'm trying to relate. My friends are limited to the five senses.
Translation: I played over 1,000 games for the Phillies. Then I won a World Series. In Florida. Playing in front of the type of people who didn't even have enough gas money to get to the beach. That should be enough motivation for you guys.
Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram.
Translation: Sabermetrics is very, very real. Keep an eye on Cole Hamels's WHIP and realize that Ryan Howard's 155 Runs Created will be leveled somehow this year. Everybody hits. Woo-hoo.
Numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE.
Translation: Heed the example of Jimmy Rollins--hit for contact, work on defensive fundamentals, and hustle. His leadership is invaluable.
At one point everyone was against me, kind of like I'd struck out with the bases loaded. Whenever my thoughts got totally negative, it would automatically rain.
Translation: Do not worry about the booing. Rain delays and makeup doubleheaders heal all wounds.
What goes above, also goes below.
Translation: The firings of Ed Wade and David Bell were long overdue.
The universe is made of vibrating energy. When energy vibrates fast enough on our 3-D plane, matter becomes invisible.
Translation: Try the hidden-ball trick once in a while. But not when Jamie Moyer is "pitching."
The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012. On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence.
Translation: Negotiate Howard's next contract wisely. And if you haven't won anything with the same group of guys year after year, then it's obviously a personnel problem. Do not fear change.
I can't wait to disappear. I'd disappear today if I could. I just try to live in the Now.
Translation: There's always next year.
Beam Us Up, Dutchie [SI.com]
Monday, April 9, 2007
Unreasonable Doubt: NHL Playoffs 2007
In this increasingly unstable world, it's nice to know you can count a few things once mid-April rolls around: the first robin of spring, the Phillies digging themselves a hole to China in the NL East, and the Stanley Cup playoffs.
Regular season hockey is hard for me to watch, even when I can manage to find it stranded on some godforsaken strip of the basic cable wasteland. These issues were only exacerbated by the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season since, well, ever.
But I generally don't follow the NHL until the playoffs start anyway, as is customary for non-puckheads who prefer crazy triple-overtime thrillers to fretting over Shane Doan's plus-minus or whether the Blue Jackets' use of the trap strengthens their penalty kill. I watch it mostly for all the movement and pretty colors. That glowing puck was really purty back in the day.
Therefore, I shall preview each upcoming first-round series by examining the relative merits of each team's logo, as I know next to nothing about hockey except that it is home to some of the more garish designs in professional sports:
Buffalo Sabres v. New York Islanders
The "Buffaslug" is the new powerhouse of sports logos, mixing a classic color scheme with born-in-a-focus-group "edginess." It looks like the phlegm kids cough up when they swallow too much pool water. And who isn't intimidated by that? The Isles don't stand a chance, even if they change their logo back to the Gorton's Fisherman. Sabres in four.
New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Lightning
The Devils have a lot of mojo since they've cornered the market on Satanic imagery in pro sports, even if their GM changes coaches more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. And Tampa unwisely combines two of my pet peeves: a non-plural nickname and a graphical scheme reminiscent of a 1980s anti-drug PSA. Devils in six.
Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers
What the hell is that? The Thrashers, always at the vanguard of the butt-ugly, will remind more people of a Harry Potter book cover than a competent hockey team. Who cares if the Rangers are a bit utilitarian? Rangers in seven.
Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins
You know, the capital of a democratic welfare state still beholden to the Queen of England easily conjures up memories of Marc Antony and Augustus Caesar. Consider the Penguins flightless barbarians, who shall smite the mighty Canadian Empire even though their marketing department has inadvertently turned the logo into a gay pride symbol. Penguins in six.
Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames
A flying tire is dumb. A flaming letter "C" is just plain unimaginative. Red Wings in five.
Anaheim Ducks v. Minnesota Wild
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's start with Anaheim: I can't tell if that's a capital "D" or a spaceship. Plus they dropped the "Mighty." They are flirting with some serious bad karma right there. Then there's Minnesota. It's like a paper towel landscape on acid, and far too reminiscent of another logo seemingly concocted after a lengthy Indian-style vision quest. Ducks in six (five if they use the Knucklepuck).
Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Stars
I've always wondered what an angry whale bursting out of a blue cocoon had to do with Canadian nationalism. To be fair, though, it's hard to represent people that look just like Americans but talk with a funny accent in a graphical sense. Kudos to Dallas for keeping it simple and reminding me of Ed McMahon-hosted talent shows. Stars in seven.
Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks
Forget the fact that Nashville's logo looks like a Transformers Beast Wars reject: there is only one Predator, and it looks like this. I like San Jose's logo a lot better based purely on the assumption that the design was stolen from the cover of a third-grader's notebook. Chomp on that stick! Sharks in seven.
And if it matters, I'll take the Sabres over the Ducks in six games for the Cup.
Regular season hockey is hard for me to watch, even when I can manage to find it stranded on some godforsaken strip of the basic cable wasteland. These issues were only exacerbated by the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season since, well, ever.
But I generally don't follow the NHL until the playoffs start anyway, as is customary for non-puckheads who prefer crazy triple-overtime thrillers to fretting over Shane Doan's plus-minus or whether the Blue Jackets' use of the trap strengthens their penalty kill. I watch it mostly for all the movement and pretty colors. That glowing puck was really purty back in the day.
Therefore, I shall preview each upcoming first-round series by examining the relative merits of each team's logo, as I know next to nothing about hockey except that it is home to some of the more garish designs in professional sports:
Buffalo Sabres v. New York Islanders
The "Buffaslug" is the new powerhouse of sports logos, mixing a classic color scheme with born-in-a-focus-group "edginess." It looks like the phlegm kids cough up when they swallow too much pool water. And who isn't intimidated by that? The Isles don't stand a chance, even if they change their logo back to the Gorton's Fisherman. Sabres in four.
New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Lightning
The Devils have a lot of mojo since they've cornered the market on Satanic imagery in pro sports, even if their GM changes coaches more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. And Tampa unwisely combines two of my pet peeves: a non-plural nickname and a graphical scheme reminiscent of a 1980s anti-drug PSA. Devils in six.
Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers
What the hell is that? The Thrashers, always at the vanguard of the butt-ugly, will remind more people of a Harry Potter book cover than a competent hockey team. Who cares if the Rangers are a bit utilitarian? Rangers in seven.
Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins
You know, the capital of a democratic welfare state still beholden to the Queen of England easily conjures up memories of Marc Antony and Augustus Caesar. Consider the Penguins flightless barbarians, who shall smite the mighty Canadian Empire even though their marketing department has inadvertently turned the logo into a gay pride symbol. Penguins in six.
Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames
A flying tire is dumb. A flaming letter "C" is just plain unimaginative. Red Wings in five.
Anaheim Ducks v. Minnesota Wild
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's start with Anaheim: I can't tell if that's a capital "D" or a spaceship. Plus they dropped the "Mighty." They are flirting with some serious bad karma right there. Then there's Minnesota. It's like a paper towel landscape on acid, and far too reminiscent of another logo seemingly concocted after a lengthy Indian-style vision quest. Ducks in six (five if they use the Knucklepuck).
Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Stars
I've always wondered what an angry whale bursting out of a blue cocoon had to do with Canadian nationalism. To be fair, though, it's hard to represent people that look just like Americans but talk with a funny accent in a graphical sense. Kudos to Dallas for keeping it simple and reminding me of Ed McMahon-hosted talent shows. Stars in seven.
Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks
Forget the fact that Nashville's logo looks like a Transformers Beast Wars reject: there is only one Predator, and it looks like this. I like San Jose's logo a lot better based purely on the assumption that the design was stolen from the cover of a third-grader's notebook. Chomp on that stick! Sharks in seven.
And if it matters, I'll take the Sabres over the Ducks in six games for the Cup.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Jeff Lurie Is Not A Fan of the Temple Owls
Temple University had high hopes for its 2007 season opener against Navy, with former Owls/Middies coach Wayne Hardin going so far to "guarantee" a crowd of 66,000--perhaps forgetting that it doesn't take a lot of armed forces personnel to keep the ships in mothballs down at the Naval Yard.
Nevertheless, Temple's quest to fill the Linc just got even harder. Originally scheduled for Thursday, August 30, a Philadelphia Eagles preseason game has forced Temple to move the game to Friday.
Astute vacation planners (if there are such people) may note that August 31 is the first day of the long Labor Day weekend. Mike Gibson of Philly.com is one of those people:
Anyone who's grown up in Philadelphia knows the town virtually empties out on the Friday of the Labor Day weekend, with people mostly headed "down the shore" for one last fling before the long, cold winter. There is virtually no chance that Temple would get what current coach Al Golden calls an "unprecedented crowd" on any other night but Thursday.The date was on Owlsports.com, the school's official athletic Web site. It was on the Lincoln Financial Field site, which I got to by clicking on a link on philadelphia eagles.com. The Phillies even switched a date to accommodate Temple, but not the Eagles.
The sad reality is that an Eagles-Jets preseason tilt, featuring a possible brother vs. brother clash between Marques and Zach Tuiasosopo (which I know you're dying to see), would be a much bigger draw than a Temple football game, even if they got the Navy Seabees to flood the field at halftime and airlift a bunch of Playboy centerfolds onto a floating stage to throw t-shirts into the crowd a la Apocalypse Now.
In fact, I'm not sure that Temple's continued delusions of I-A (excuse me, "Bowl Division") football relevance is good for the overall health of their athletic program. Exhibit A: no NCAA tournament appearances for Temple men's basketball since 2001 (beating Penn State in the Sweet 16, a game whose very existence boggles the mind today). And what happened to all those "Big 5" marquee clashes at the Palestra?Furthermore, it's incredibly difficult for big-city colleges to establish themselves as legitimate sports/entertainment draws, let alone championship contenders. For every USC and Miami, there's a Northwestern or a Rice or a Tulane.
Not that any of this will change Temple's mind. Remember, this is an athletic department that mirthfully notes the MAC Championship Game on the 2007-08 schedule. The show, it seems, must go on.
Say It Ain't So, Joe [Philly.com]
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