All Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing

Ed.'s note: I've got a bit of a backlog while switching Internet providers. This was meant to be posted on Aug. 1.

The trade deadline has been something of an enigma for the Phillies in recent years, when they have been buyers instead of sellers. This, it's safe to say, must be jarring for a front office used to concentrating on how many useless spare parts and shoulda-been prospects they can get for the latest star that wants out of Philly. Ultimately, the Phils' trade rumors are mere whispers, the objectives too modest, and the returns generally mediocre.

For reference, let's look at the acquisitions for the 5 of the past 6 seasons when the Phillies were still in playoff contention at the end of July:

2001--Todd Pratt (C), Turk Wendell (RP), and Dennis Cook (RP) from the Mets; Felipe Crespo (INF) from the Giants

The return of Tank was nice, but the bullpen additions (who weren't that good to begin with) were a classic example of Ed Wade-era futility. Wendell's failure down the stretch (7.47 ERA) was one of the greatest individual pennant chase collapses in Phillies history.

2003--Mike Williams (RP) from the Pirates

Williams was an All-Star solely on the basis of his saves for an atrocious Pittsburgh team (but aren't they all?). Coincidentally, his Phillies ERA that year was only slightly higher than his ERA for the '93 team, and the worse the Phils were in the mid-1990s, the better he pitched. This was a stupid move on karma alone.

2004--Felix Rodriguez (RP) from the Giants; Todd Jones (RP) from the Reds; Cory Lidle (SP) on waivers from the Reds

Sensing a theme here? In Philadelphia, c-r-a-p-p-y spells "relief." Rodriguez actually wasn't all that bad, but Jones--pitching for his sixth team in four seasons--didn't live up to the hype. A great example of why you shouldn't trade simply for name recognition (Lidle, to a lesser extent, also illustrated this concept). Too bad that for the Phillies, "learning from example" usually involves something like this.

2005--Matt Kata (INF) from the D-Backs; Michael Tucker (OF) on waivers from the Giants

I had to triple-check to make sure that this was true. In the last year of Ed Wade's tenure, Ol' Puddinghead's solution to get the playoffs monkey off the Phils' back was to stock the roster with speedy, slap-hitting benchwarmers. They had a combined 24 ABs, 5 H, 3 RBI, and 0 HR. Kata posted a negative OPS+, a stat that adjusts individual OPS to a the league average of 100, from an incredible 6 ABs. It's getting tougher to resist the urge to hurl this monitor through a study-room window.

2006--Jamie Moyer (SP) on waivers from the Mariners; Jose Hernandez (INF) on waivers from the Pirates; Jeff Conine (OF) on waivers from the Orioles

Once the Phillies got a GM that wasn't afraid of spreading his peanut butter and his jelly with the same knife, they got a little busier. Gillick's work was even more extensive due to the Bobby Abreu trade, but none of the prospects he got in return was meant to be a quick fix anywhere on the roster. Plus they were prospects from the Yankees, whose minor league system is as naturally fertile as a Phoenix sod farm. Moyer (or as I like to call him, the Iron Turtle) finally gave the team a late-season acquisition that could actually contribute. Conine only brought back bad memories of 2003 while playing a decent outfield. Hernandez was yet another player whose career basically ended with a half-assed Phillies playoff run. What a way to go.

This year's additions continue this proud tradition of massive confusion and desperation-soaked maneuvering. The fact that the Phillies never surrender anything of circumstance is little consolation. It's like watching a blind man trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.

2007's own special wrinkle was the rash of injuries immediately before and after the deadline. Even though he's no Chase Utley, the Tad Iguchi deal was pretty good. Unfortunately for Iguchi, Utley is rehabbing like a man possessed. An early return for Chase raises the tricky question of who to demote from the club, but hopefully it'll be close enough to September and the expansion to the 40-man roster that it won't matter much.

Julio Mateo is not the best Madson replacement, but the Mariners are to Pat Gillick what the Giants were to Ed Wade (which means Brian Sabean must have really liked to pick on retarded kids in school). I swear, Gillick's phone must only be able to dial Seattle, Chicago, Toronto, and Cincinnati. And only the Phillies would have a series in which they lose two members of a four-man outfield in the same game and see their newly acquired starter injured in his first inning of work.

And so it goes, every year, as best-laid plans give way to the likes of J.D. Durbin coming down the chute and low-impact trades that force the regulars to play even harder to keep the ship from sinking.

Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.

Stock-Car Drivers Are Athletes

Choose your own caption:

A) Now starring in the Tony Stewart Story, Vincent "Private Pyle" D'Onofrio!

B) Man, after he got married, Harry Potter really let himself go.

C) In the ensuing melee, Kurt Busch bit off Stewart's middle finger, but Stewart turned the tables when he ate Busch.

D) Think about how happy he'll be when he wins the Denny's 500!




We kid because we love, Tony.

Phillies Notes: Goddamnit

You know what I hate about GameCasts or Game Trax or live box scores or any of the other low-tech Internet applications that take living, breathing sporting events and turn them into Mattel Football?

They're too sterile. They're too mechanical. They are simply lists of events providing no context whatsoever.

So Chase Utley gets hit by a pitch. It's a rather frequent occurrence, as I noted earlier this season. I do not panic. He stays in the game. I think everything is fine and dandy.

I go to play some public park b-ball with a buddy of mine. After we're done, he drops this bombshell on me. Utley's got a broken hand. No doubt Chase will try to rush back, but I can't see him back anytime before September. John Lannan, you major-league-debuting piece of petrified horse dung, you have just moved past Scott Thorman and the Teal Bastards on my enemies list.

For those of you who took the SATs when they still had an analogies section, it wasn't hard to envision Chase Utley::2007 Phillies AS Ryan Howard::2006 Phillies as a question in a really, really easy version of the College Boards. (For anyone who doesn't remember those, well, you have to write a 15-minute essay on how the Phils can generate offense with a Helms-Abe Nunez-catcher-pitcher turd bomb sitting at the bottom of the order. Maybe throw Burrell in there for old time's sake.)

Ok, they'll still score some runs. And defense is covered by Dr. Abe's HMO. Still, with the Phillies' bullpen again remembering that it's the Phillies' bullpen and wasting a quality start from Adam Eaton, of all people, things could get grim for a team expected to contend for a division title. Now we're lucky to hang with the Arizona Diamondbacks of the world. I'm too disgusted to even think about it.

This past week, up to Ryan Howard's walk-off home run to beat Washington in the 14th inning, was like Philly's "inexplicably winning a lot of games and having fun" sports movie montage. I can only guess that Michael Bourn was impersonating Diana Ross in the dugout, or that Uncle Charlie had a life-sized cardboard cutout of David Montgomery in the clubhouse, ripping off a piece of its Velcro-ed suit for each victory. And now Ken Griffey, Jr. has caught our homer at the wall and the guy from LA Law just found out that Charlie Sheen boffed his wife.

I'll say it again.

Goddamnit.

Marlon Anderson Is A Team Player

It was a sad day in Dodgerville when Marlon Anderson was given his release a week ago. Why? Turns out he was the model teammate:

Upon his arrival from Washington, he informed new teammate Brad Penny that the pitcher had been tipping his breaking ball, and almost every hitter in the National League knew it.

While Penny couldn't tighten his mechanics in time to help the Dodgers last season, a few offseason adjustments have led to his Cy Young Award candidacy in this one. Anderson said he actually watched a couple of Penny's bullpen sessions late in the season.

"If I'm on a team with a guy, that's something I'll do for him," Anderson said. "I've always been that way."

And so shall the Phillies rue the day they dismantled their Duo of SuperMarlons. Especially since Anderson ("The Tall One") was picked up by the New York Mutts. Say hello to Endy Chavez for me, Marlon!

Dodgers-Phillies Extra: The Boogeyman, otherwise known as Roberto Hernandez, was surprisingly picked up by the Dodgers this past week to shore up a bullpen that didn't really seem in dire need of assistance (Beimel/Broxton/Saito looks pretty darn good to me), just in time to turn his Suckitude up to 11 against the Mets. I can only assume that this is an incredibly shrewd attempt at sabotaging the Phils' last remaining hopes of winning the division on the part of Los Angeles. The rivalry lives!

Five and Fly 7/20/07 [Yahoo! Sports]

I Love LA (Whenever I Don't Hate It)

Though I've cooked up a title that would be great for a Larry Andersen lovefest someday, it's just that time of year when I must return to the West Coast. Commentary from afar is kind of neat, especially when the games end before 8 PM, but it's tough not being able to watch the games (the Phillies at least; the Eagles get surprisingly decent coverage). Considering the first two months of this blog's history, the Baker Bowl expects to spend some time on a handful of non-Philly pieces in the not-too-distant future. That being said, don't be surprised if the Baker Bowl goes dark until reliable internet access can be secured. (Read: at least a 1-2 week hiatus)

I do have time for last hurrah--I'll be attending the Kendrick/Billingsley match-up on the Phils' last day at Chavez Ravine on Wednesday. After being there for a Dodgers-Giants game, I think I've seen Dodgers fans at their most intense...and they don't scare me. Unless they are tall, muscular Mexicans.

But I really do wish Dodgers-Phillies still meant something. It's one of the most underrated rivalries in baseball--the death struggles for the NL pennant in the late 1970s, Tommy Lasorda's feud with the Phillie Phanatic, this incredible comeback with a bunch of names I'm too giddy over to even type here (ok, just a couple: Dale Murphy on the Phils! Juan Samuel on the Dodgers!). I'm not sure if you can call it a rivalry anymore, but weird or unique or emotional moments tend to happen when these two clubs get together. If nothing else, it's a chance to see our beloved Mike Lieberthal again, as the odds are good that he'll start a 12 PM day game after a 7 PM night game.

And then I'll boo him. Duty calls.

Loathesome Losers: The Anatomy of a Phillies Fan

I have decided to stop shouting into the wind long enough to acknowledge the Phillies "official" 10,000th loss tonight, a 10-2 decision to the St. Louis Cardinals. The Phils failed to plate any runs before the bottom of the ninth after scoring a combined 23 runs in the past two games, and Brian Sanches surrendered four home runs (including one to Lil' Adam Kennedy) all by himself. That sounds about right.

A final word on the "milestone"--a lot of people are chalking the losses up to "longevity," perhaps trying to deflect attention from the fact that they have chosen to write about/cover/root for a franchise that, by all accounts, is a born loser. Yes, the Phillies are old, but the next closest squad (the Braves) is more than 300 losses away from 10,000. They have finished under .500 seventy-five times, accounting for 59 percent of their total 127 major-league seasons. They have won a single World Series, the fewest among any team that is at least 100 years old. They have had exactly one window of consistently competent ownership in their entire history, but their few glories have occurred in relatively recent memory and thus their struggles are generally overlooked.

The fact is that the Philadelphia Phillies are far and away the worst franchise, pound for pound, in professional baseball. The failure to acknowledge this awful truth, I believe, is one of the big reasons that Philly fans are stereotyped as boorish louts rather than "lovable losers" (like Cubs fans) or priggish-yet-sympathetic martyrs (like Red Sox fans pre-2004). We get so defensive about this losing legacy--one that we consciously chose to adopt as our own--that we don't deserve much sympathy. We're like the burnout who eats a dozen Big Macs a day and then blames McDonald's for making him fat.

So to all the Phaithful who are getting their underpants in a bunch over the celebration of 10,000 losses (notably the 700 Level), I have one question: When are you going to move to St. Louis? Because if you want to plaster a lobotomized grin on your face whether your team is on top of the world or at the bottom of Tony LaRussa's gin and tonic, playing your fiddle while Busch Stadium burns, then that's the place to be.

Me, I will welcome a little public embarrassment--the type that should rankle an invisible ownership, if it has any decency left, into paying some more attention to the W/L columns than to the bottom line. I will recognize that cheering for a loss--one highly unique, historic loss--isn't any lower than the lowest moments that Phillies fans have created. I will continue to risk my mental and cardiovascular health rooting for the guys in red pinstripes to win, as I have every day of my doomed fanhood.

But right now I will most definitely celebrate 10,000.

Stephen A. Smith Sets the Record Straight

Yesterday I said the Phillies still had a shot in the NL East despite playing half of the season like baseball's version of the New Jersey Nets. Do you find solace in the Phils' star power, Stephen A.?

Howard's a stud, not a one-year wonder. Rollins is playing some exceptional baseball. And Utley is fully worthy of his $85 million deal and fully capable of feeding a city's baseball aspirations (with Howard and Rollins) for years to come.

Those guys are great baseball players. Certainly can't blame them for the team's lack of success.

Any team would want these players. Any team would be respectable with these players. Any team would put quality players around these players and, dare we say, win with these players - even if it meant having to pull off a deal for some quality pitching before the July 31 non-waiver trading deadline expires.

Ok, so without those three guys, the Phillies are basically the National League's answer to the Kansas City Royals. I can see the similarities.

Any team but the Phillies, it seems.

You know, I don't think the Phils aren't that much different from the Mets, either. Both have potent offenses (Philly's is slightly better). Both have one young top-of-the-rotation stud (Hamels/Maine). Both have roughly two reliable starters behind that stud and have been scrambling all year to find warm carcasses to put on the mound for those fourth and fifth days. Both have 2-3 reliable arms in the bullpen. The only difference at the moment, as I see it, is that the Mets have a closer, and the Phillies don't.

Damn you, Billy Wagner.

And I know Pedro is due to come back sometime in August, but he's pushing 36 and hasn't pitched since last September. He's at a point where even the greatest arms usually level off, even when pitching regularly in real games. Should he still be enough to scare the Phillies into dealing for one more starter for the stretch run? Perhaps. But I predict you'll see Freddy Garcia on Celebrity Fit Club before that happens.

Perhaps there is a plausible explanation for losing 12 of 17 one-run games. For still being mediocre at 44-44 despite leading the NL in runs scored (456), possessing one of the most potent offenses in the game with a three-headed nucleus to guide this franchise.

I just can't find one.

He's got me there. Besides multiple injuries to front-line pitching, a highly competitive division, AL-dominated interleague play, the unbalanced schedule (only five games against Washington so far), and just being the goddamned Philadelphia Phillies, there's absolutely nothing to explain their misfortune.

"Don't sleep," an enthusiastic Rollins kept saying. "We're still hanging around, and Flash [Tom Gordon] and Brett [Myers] are coming. We're still here."

True. But so is Adam Eaton and whatever no-names called up from the minors.

So go ahead and enjoy the second half of the season. Be my guest.

That's it everybody. Go home. There's no reason to watch the rest of the games. Stephen A. Smith, the epitome of infallibility, has spoken. There is no hope.

Quite frankly, that's BS.

Phillies Are Still Believers, But Why? [The Guy Who's Always Yelling]