Phillies Shell-Shocked by the Rox

This wasn't how things were supposed to happen.

When an irresistable force meets an immovable object, something has to give. But who among us thought it would be Yorvit Torrealba and Kaz Matsui giving the Phils fits? The Phillie Killer Theory strikes again.

And mere days after it looked like his team's improbable comeback saved his job, Uncle Charlie might be on the hot seat once again. A little background: I had the GameCast on at work but had to leave just as the Rockies had two men on in the fourth with two outs and the pitcher's spot coming up. This half inning, I thought, was in the bag. The Phils were actually leading--thanks to J-Roll, who apparently is the only Phillie who realized that despite the public response, it's still just a playoff berth and not a championship yet. Kyle Kendrick had gotten into a few jams but got out of most of them with minimal damage.

Enter Charlie Manuel. Exit Kyle Kendrick. Enter Kyle Lohse--the prospective Game 4 starter, even with a fresh Clay Condrey in the 'pen.

I totally understood not using Alfonseca or Mesa in this situation, and was prepared to give Charlie credit for it. This was until I realized that the Lohse move started an inevitable chain of events that allowed Mesa to come in later and put the game completely out of reach.

A lapse in judgment? A "senior moment"? A logical decision ruined by rotten luck? It doesn't matter. This could be the playoff moment that traumatizes another generation of fans. Come New Year's Day 2027, there's going to be a spate of Mummers' Parade revelers wailing, "Lohse for Kendrick? Why?" before passing out on the pool table at their favorite Old Town bar.

As for me, my senses are dulled. I never got the feeling that the Phils were going to get to Jeff Francis in Game 1, especially as they were pressing to get rid of those playoff butterflies. But Innings 4-5, Game 2 was like a Howitzer shell exploding in the middle of a tai chi class.

And now, with the series moving to the Rockies' home turf, so many of the Phaithful have that same thousand-yard stare we saw on Mets fans less than a week ago. Here we were, passionately and vocally supporting our team as they surged to an unlikely division title, poised to be media darlings in the playoffs. But it seems the Team to Beat has collided head-on with the Team of Destiny, an even bigger underdog in a nation that loves the underdog. Funny, though, that the Rockies played their inaugural season in the same year that the Phillies last made the playoffs. And it's easier to come out of nowhere in a wide-open division than to struggle under towering expectations all year and then receive relatively little credit once your stated goal is reached.

The Phils are fun, but they were "supposed" to be here. The Rox are out of left field--and they wear purple! How telegenic, much more than those crass, boorish Philadelphians back to their old tricks: booing, cussing, and casting cynical aspersions against the world in general.

It's not over yet, but the end of the tunnel is drawing ever closer. We've been ambushed, folks. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

But hey--at least the Flyers won their home opener.

Phillies Notes: Goddamnit

You know what I hate about GameCasts or Game Trax or live box scores or any of the other low-tech Internet applications that take living, breathing sporting events and turn them into Mattel Football?

They're too sterile. They're too mechanical. They are simply lists of events providing no context whatsoever.

So Chase Utley gets hit by a pitch. It's a rather frequent occurrence, as I noted earlier this season. I do not panic. He stays in the game. I think everything is fine and dandy.

I go to play some public park b-ball with a buddy of mine. After we're done, he drops this bombshell on me. Utley's got a broken hand. No doubt Chase will try to rush back, but I can't see him back anytime before September. John Lannan, you major-league-debuting piece of petrified horse dung, you have just moved past Scott Thorman and the Teal Bastards on my enemies list.

For those of you who took the SATs when they still had an analogies section, it wasn't hard to envision Chase Utley::2007 Phillies AS Ryan Howard::2006 Phillies as a question in a really, really easy version of the College Boards. (For anyone who doesn't remember those, well, you have to write a 15-minute essay on how the Phils can generate offense with a Helms-Abe Nunez-catcher-pitcher turd bomb sitting at the bottom of the order. Maybe throw Burrell in there for old time's sake.)

Ok, they'll still score some runs. And defense is covered by Dr. Abe's HMO. Still, with the Phillies' bullpen again remembering that it's the Phillies' bullpen and wasting a quality start from Adam Eaton, of all people, things could get grim for a team expected to contend for a division title. Now we're lucky to hang with the Arizona Diamondbacks of the world. I'm too disgusted to even think about it.

This past week, up to Ryan Howard's walk-off home run to beat Washington in the 14th inning, was like Philly's "inexplicably winning a lot of games and having fun" sports movie montage. I can only guess that Michael Bourn was impersonating Diana Ross in the dugout, or that Uncle Charlie had a life-sized cardboard cutout of David Montgomery in the clubhouse, ripping off a piece of its Velcro-ed suit for each victory. And now Ken Griffey, Jr. has caught our homer at the wall and the guy from LA Law just found out that Charlie Sheen boffed his wife.

I'll say it again.

Goddamnit.

I Will Now Go Stick My Head In the Oven

Report: Phillies sign Jose Mesa

Like it or not, we're gonna party like it's 2002.

Some outlets are also reporting that Freddy Garcia may find his way to the DL after giving up 6 runs in less than 2 innings to the motherfrakking Royals last night. This will most likely be a completely fabricated "injury" (a la Jeff Weaver) and is precisely what I was predicting as I watched the likes of Mark Grudzielanek slaughter the Chief.

Don't be surprised if Freddy has a mishap "washing his truck" this weekend.

Manuel v. Eskin: The Bitter Aftertaste

Some interesting fallout/observations from the Charlie Manuel-Howard Eskin steel cage match:

1) This awesome NBC10 video of Manuel's tirade delivered to the allegedly foppish and insufferable Eskin (he is in radio after all). Contrary to expectations, I think I'm siding with Manuel right now. Any white dude who wears fur coats to Eagles games and calls himself "The King of Bling" deserves to get slapped around a bit. For more about Eskin, his completely real and wholly accurate MySpace is a good place to start.

As for the video, it's kind of frightening to hear Charlie get that angry. It's like if Jimmy Carter ever went on a furious drunken bender at Camp David:
Carter: I'll be in the conference room. I'll be waiting on you. We're gonna make peace! We're gonna make peace!
Sadat: I hope you do! I hope you do!
Begin: Hey, what's it to you any-f**king-way?

2) "We're gonna win!" is now officially in the pantheon of Quintessential Philly Sports Quotes, joining the illustrious ranks of "We talkin' bout practice, man," "We flubbed that dub a little bit," and any time John Kruk yells about how he's afraid of statistics.

The inflection makes it perfect. It's similar to how a kid responds when asked to take out the trash for the fifteenth time--"Well, I'm gonna do it." And he does. Eventually. Maybe you have to cuff him a few times.

3) Brett Myers, Opening Day starter, sent to the bullpen. That's right. The Phillies have banished their supposed staff ace to long relief in favor of Jon "Chipmunk Cheeks" Lieber (I actually kinda like him as a No. 3 or 4).

Myers had the pleasure of coming out of the 'pen his very first day as a reliever, a 13-inning loss to the Nationals on Wednesday.

They showed some promise by coming back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth with a run "manufactured" in the true Philadelphia style: two walks, a sacrifice bunt, and an RBI groundout. All by the bottom of the order, natch. Getting hits is for those other teams, you know, like the Mets.

But let me reiterate. Another loss. To the Washington Nationals. Not only are the Phillies last in the NL East, not only are they last in the National League, they are dead last in Major League Baseball.

Last. In. The. Entire. Major. Leagues. I can't even watch the games and it hurts. Forget about getting better. Will it ever become tolerable?

I hope it does. I hope it does.