Charlie's Back

It's official: two more years of Goodtime Charlie. He kind of deserves it, I guess.

What is it about this guy that always seems to elicit equivocal responses? Perhaps it's because he's able to successfully mix a Danny Ozark doofusness with a George W. Bush calm and constancy in what's arguably America's most chaotic sports city. We want to see him get fired up, but we also like the way he handles his players--the way they seem to respond to his grandfatherly attention (Exhibit A: Pat Burrell). We acknowledge how he's willing to take the heat from the media to protect his players, but we can't stand it when his loyalty clouds his ability to judge an individual's endurance level.

Whatever. Apparently the wins are piling up under his watch (over 260 in just 3 seasons) and he's nowhere near as crazy as Jim Tracy.

And for those keeping score at home, Charlie's new contract lasts one year longer than Gillick's now, meaning that even if the Phils stink next year, Gillick will probably wait for somebody else to fire him.

Now let's get on with making "We're gonna win" the 2008 Phillies slogan right now.

The Strategery of Charles F. Manuel

First things first: Charlie Manuel is a well-liked individual. Until Freddy Garcia's Jimmy Carter-esque "crisis of confidence," Manuel's players have avoided public criticism of their manager. Plus he was damn right about Garcia. The point is that there is a lot that the fans and, I suspect, even the media don't see when it comes to the way Uncle Cholly relates to his charges.

That's why it's so unfortunate that Manuel isn't such a great on-field tactician. In-game strategy is perhaps the most visible function of a big-league manager. It's also the most tangible one in the minds of the aforementioned fans and media--the decisions made in the moment, directly contributing to wins and losses are impossible to ignore. Just ask Grady Little. Nobody cares how Manuel is helping to tweak Ryan Howard's swing in BP while he continues to platoon Rod Barajas with Carlos Ruiz.

(The man does know about hitting. He is often credited with fixing Jim Thome's swing, though that may be something of a mixed blessing as Thome has mutated into a Dave Kingman-type player over the last decade. Just be careful, Ryan!)

It also doesn't help that Charlie went to the George W. Bush School of Public Speaking. I think this causes us to judge his strategic moves a little more harshly than we normally would. Tony LaRussa is an absolute putz when it comes to managerial strategy, but since he's articulate and respected for winning so many games in a weak division with juuuust enough talent, he gets a 300-page ego stroke from Buzz Bissinger.

Basically, I like to think that there are two sides to Manuel the manager. One is the private sage, a sort of offensive savant who, anywhere he goes, makes sure his team does not fail to score runs. The other is the public bumpkin, out-maneuvered by his opponents and second-guessed by an equally caustic press corps and fanbase. This season, I'm afraid that we're seeing the weaker half much more often than the stronger half.

The games on Wednesday and Thursday against the Reds presented two nearly identical situations: with the Phillies trailing late in a torrential downpour, a Phils slugger is called out on a questionable strike three. Both incidents were suspicious enough to assume the umps were fudging some calls to move the game quickly to its conclusion, or end an inning so they could award the Reds an official victory on account of the weather. Both times, the batters in question (Howard and Burrell) had their own choice words for the home plate umpire.

But neither time did Manuel, the man leading the majors in ejections, even come out of the dugout to protest. The outcome of each game was still clearly in the balance. The Phillies were risking two losses despite playing less than nine full innings each time. If that isn't a time to get in the umpire's face and, at the very least, bring attention to the officiating crew's attempts to cut corners, then I don't know what is. Even as a simple stalling tactic, an ejection has merit in this situation.

Luckily for Charlie, both situations ultimately resolved themselves in beneficent confidences of dumb luck. This guy's like a real-life Forrest Gump--a cornpone messiah, if you will. After Howard's strikeout on Wednesday, Jose Mesa gave up a homer to put the game out of reach anyway. On Thursday, Jimmy Rollins keyed the tying and winning rallies, despite Manuel waiting until the last possible moment to substitute Jayson Werth as a pinch runner for Barajas--a decision he balked at since Werth went on the DL yesterday. Turns out the Phillies didn't want to change the retroactive date to Thursday instead of Tuesday, which is the last time Werth had been in a game.

It's Jayson Werth, people. I think we'll keep the ship afloat even if he comes back a couple days later than expected.

Werth's roster replacement, the immortal Chris Coste, homered in his first plate appearance. Figures.

Goodtime Charlie's Silent Cure for MVPs

The latest stop on the Charlie Manuel Crazy Train is a series of giggle-inducing nicknames that the tough guy himself has approved.

Also, I take back everything I ever said (or was planning to say) about Manuel being boring in comparison to Larry Bowa. True, Bowa flipping out on reporters was a matter of course, but his schtick wore thin after a while. He never had such a major meltdown after years of relative calm. If Bowa was a regular Old Faithful, Manuel is a full-blown Mount Vesuvius.

And while the Baker Bowl was watching to see what he'd do next, another crisis almost slipped under the radar: Ryan Howard scratched from Thursday's game against the Nationals due to a ligament pull he suffered running the bases. Obviously, this situation is being addressed in the most sensitive way possible by Nice-Guy Charlie:

The postgame limp paled in comparison to the pained look on Ryan Howard's face as the injured first baseman tried to block out the agony.

Howard stood, then dragged his 250 pounds to the small medical area outside the clubhouse. That's where athletic trainer Scott Sheridan placed a wrap on Howard's left leg -- around his knee -- as Howard lay back staring at the ceiling. Just outside the entrance, manager Charlie Manuel held a private vigil.

Asked if he was concerned, Manuel nodded yes.

Hey, when did Norman Mailer start writing for the Phillies website?

Anyway, it seems that Charlie's taking a page from the Scientology playbook and prescribing silence, secrecy, and isolation to reduce the body thetans that are causing Howard's boo-boo. Is this really the cure for what ails the MVP?

Sounds to me like it's more of a cure for what ails Goodtime Charlie.

Of course, the Phillies finally win once Howard's out of the lineup. But realistically, if an injury to Howard means more Greg Dobbs, then we can all feel his pain. Get well soon, big guy.

Howard Hurts Leg Against Nationals [Phillies.com]

Manuel v. Eskin: The Bitter Aftertaste

Some interesting fallout/observations from the Charlie Manuel-Howard Eskin steel cage match:

1) This awesome NBC10 video of Manuel's tirade delivered to the allegedly foppish and insufferable Eskin (he is in radio after all). Contrary to expectations, I think I'm siding with Manuel right now. Any white dude who wears fur coats to Eagles games and calls himself "The King of Bling" deserves to get slapped around a bit. For more about Eskin, his completely real and wholly accurate MySpace is a good place to start.

As for the video, it's kind of frightening to hear Charlie get that angry. It's like if Jimmy Carter ever went on a furious drunken bender at Camp David:
Carter: I'll be in the conference room. I'll be waiting on you. We're gonna make peace! We're gonna make peace!
Sadat: I hope you do! I hope you do!
Begin: Hey, what's it to you any-f**king-way?

2) "We're gonna win!" is now officially in the pantheon of Quintessential Philly Sports Quotes, joining the illustrious ranks of "We talkin' bout practice, man," "We flubbed that dub a little bit," and any time John Kruk yells about how he's afraid of statistics.

The inflection makes it perfect. It's similar to how a kid responds when asked to take out the trash for the fifteenth time--"Well, I'm gonna do it." And he does. Eventually. Maybe you have to cuff him a few times.

3) Brett Myers, Opening Day starter, sent to the bullpen. That's right. The Phillies have banished their supposed staff ace to long relief in favor of Jon "Chipmunk Cheeks" Lieber (I actually kinda like him as a No. 3 or 4).

Myers had the pleasure of coming out of the 'pen his very first day as a reliever, a 13-inning loss to the Nationals on Wednesday.

They showed some promise by coming back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth with a run "manufactured" in the true Philadelphia style: two walks, a sacrifice bunt, and an RBI groundout. All by the bottom of the order, natch. Getting hits is for those other teams, you know, like the Mets.

But let me reiterate. Another loss. To the Washington Nationals. Not only are the Phillies last in the NL East, not only are they last in the National League, they are dead last in Major League Baseball.

Last. In. The. Entire. Major. Leagues. I can't even watch the games and it hurts. Forget about getting better. Will it ever become tolerable?

I hope it does. I hope it does.

Charlie Manuel Pulls A Joey Crawford

There are just certain things that will cause a man's anger to overwhelm him. One is watching a 41-year old hurler make your hitters look like Christian Guzman, even though they all batted against him a week ago. Another is watching a 40-year-old outfielder who pees on his hands swat two home runs in your home park.

And if any talk radio guys attempt to get interviews--especially with his hitting coach, who is a dirty, dirty tramp--then Charlie Manuel is just gonna snap:

Expected to contend for the NL East title, the Phillies are off to a 3-9 start, including 1-5 at home.

Manager Charlie Manuel's frustration was evident after the game. The normally mild-mannered manager challenged a radio talk-show host to a fight. Manuel had to be restrained by hitting coach Milt Thompson at one point.

"We're going to win," Manuel could be heard yelling in his office.

Manuel claims the offense (e.g. Utley, Howard) is going to come back, despite the fact that most guys are morphing into Pat Burrell when men are on base. Why does he think so? Because they are "special hitters."

The Baker Bowl agrees, because these players also have a "special" manager. Here's your sippy cup, Charlie. Don't finish all your juice before we get halfway to D.C.

Recap: Mets 8, Phillies 1 [ESPN]