Unreasonable Doubt: NBA Playoffs 2007

In team sports, you're only as strong as your weakest link. I believe that is especially true in the NBA. Why?

Because it gives me a nice theme to go on here.

Look, it's easy to give reasons why a team will win. But this is the Baker Bowl, and we are more interesting in looking at the doom lurking around every corner. So after much redundant and expensive-looking research, I have identified the key weaknesses of each playoff team. Enjoy these tasty first-round predictions:

Detroit Pistons v. Orlando Magic
Detroit's weakness: That rowdy Auburn Hills fanbase, making the Palace the Black Hole of the NBA. Plus their backup point guard is named "Lindsay."
Orlando's weakness: The gainful employment of J.J. Redick, and the bad karma of an non-plural nickname.
Detroit in four: Grant Hill will start whimpering in the corner once the first tube of Chapstick rains down on his bald head.

Cleveland Cavaliers v. Washington Wizards
Cleveland's weakness: Everyone with a name that doesn't start with "LeBro" and end with "Njames."
Washington's weakness: Lack of a real wizard, shaman, magician, or even a medicine man. Who's going to cast a +5 agility boost on Antwan Jamison in crunch time?
Cleveland in five: The playoffs just won't be the same without this guy. We miss you, Gilbert.

Toronto Raptors v. New Jersey Nets
Toronto's weakness: Playing in Canada.
New Jersey's weakness: Playing in New Jersey.
Toronto in seven: Can you name three Nets?

Miami Heat v. Chicago Bulls
Miami's weakness: Shaq's refusal to recognize the legitimacy of the Nationwide Basketball Society.
Chicago's weakness: Two seconds on the clock. Two points behind. The ball in Ben Gordon's hands.
Chicago in seven: Really, Shaq is crazy. I don't know why he hasn't jumped the shark yet. It's one of life's great mysteries.

Western Conference
Dallas Mavericks v. Golden State Warriors
Dallas's weakness: Avery Johnson's hand was just minding its own business and then this pair of testicles just jumped right in front of him!
Golden State's weakness: The ever-present threat of a lawsuit from FTD Florists.
Dallas in four: Both of these teams also have the dubious distinction of having employed Christian Laettner!

Phoenix Suns v. Los Angeles Lakers
Phoenix's weakness: Steve Nash's uncanny resemblance to this guy...*shudder*
L.A.'s weakness: Should we start with the point guard named "Smush" or the hideous Walton progeny spawning off the bench?
Phoenix in six: And Kobe will score at least 40 in every game.

San Antonio Spurs v. Denver Nuggets
San Antonio's weakness: The lack of a restraining order against Joey Crawford.
Denver's weakness: The adoption of Allen Iverson's philosophy on practice. (Hint: it's not a game)
San Antonio in six: Spurs basketball--the cure for insomnia!

Utah Jazz v. Houston Rockets
Utah's weakness: The inevitable moment when everyone realizes that "jazz" does not and cannot exist anywhere in Salt Lake City and the entire franchise disappears with a little "poof" of irrelevance.
Houston's weakness: Dikembe Mutombo finds out that the primo seats at the State of the Union address come with a five-year commitment to the Marines.
Houston in seven: I think the tall Chinese fellow is finally ready to break out. People are gonna know his name before the month's over.

Suns in five over the Bulls for the title, finally surmounting the Upper Midwest's stranglehold on major pro sports championships this year.

Goodtime Charlie's Silent Cure for MVPs

The latest stop on the Charlie Manuel Crazy Train is a series of giggle-inducing nicknames that the tough guy himself has approved.

Also, I take back everything I ever said (or was planning to say) about Manuel being boring in comparison to Larry Bowa. True, Bowa flipping out on reporters was a matter of course, but his schtick wore thin after a while. He never had such a major meltdown after years of relative calm. If Bowa was a regular Old Faithful, Manuel is a full-blown Mount Vesuvius.

And while the Baker Bowl was watching to see what he'd do next, another crisis almost slipped under the radar: Ryan Howard scratched from Thursday's game against the Nationals due to a ligament pull he suffered running the bases. Obviously, this situation is being addressed in the most sensitive way possible by Nice-Guy Charlie:

The postgame limp paled in comparison to the pained look on Ryan Howard's face as the injured first baseman tried to block out the agony.

Howard stood, then dragged his 250 pounds to the small medical area outside the clubhouse. That's where athletic trainer Scott Sheridan placed a wrap on Howard's left leg -- around his knee -- as Howard lay back staring at the ceiling. Just outside the entrance, manager Charlie Manuel held a private vigil.

Asked if he was concerned, Manuel nodded yes.

Hey, when did Norman Mailer start writing for the Phillies website?

Anyway, it seems that Charlie's taking a page from the Scientology playbook and prescribing silence, secrecy, and isolation to reduce the body thetans that are causing Howard's boo-boo. Is this really the cure for what ails the MVP?

Sounds to me like it's more of a cure for what ails Goodtime Charlie.

Of course, the Phillies finally win once Howard's out of the lineup. But realistically, if an injury to Howard means more Greg Dobbs, then we can all feel his pain. Get well soon, big guy.

Howard Hurts Leg Against Nationals [Phillies.com]

HOLY CRAP! THE WARRIORS MADE THE PLAYOFFS!

Baron Davis and Golden State Warriors fans are pumped for the team's first playoff berth in 12 years:



WAY TO GO, GUYS! Seriously, it's awesome to see the Warriors back in the postseason. Rick Barry would be proud.

Actually, he won a championship, so his expectations might be higher. Let's settle for making Chris Mullin proud.

And to think people probably laughed at that guy when he bought a jersey and floor seats at the Oracle Arena.

Playoff preview coming soon.

Manuel v. Eskin: The Bitter Aftertaste

Some interesting fallout/observations from the Charlie Manuel-Howard Eskin steel cage match:

1) This awesome NBC10 video of Manuel's tirade delivered to the allegedly foppish and insufferable Eskin (he is in radio after all). Contrary to expectations, I think I'm siding with Manuel right now. Any white dude who wears fur coats to Eagles games and calls himself "The King of Bling" deserves to get slapped around a bit. For more about Eskin, his completely real and wholly accurate MySpace is a good place to start.

As for the video, it's kind of frightening to hear Charlie get that angry. It's like if Jimmy Carter ever went on a furious drunken bender at Camp David:
Carter: I'll be in the conference room. I'll be waiting on you. We're gonna make peace! We're gonna make peace!
Sadat: I hope you do! I hope you do!
Begin: Hey, what's it to you any-f**king-way?

2) "We're gonna win!" is now officially in the pantheon of Quintessential Philly Sports Quotes, joining the illustrious ranks of "We talkin' bout practice, man," "We flubbed that dub a little bit," and any time John Kruk yells about how he's afraid of statistics.

The inflection makes it perfect. It's similar to how a kid responds when asked to take out the trash for the fifteenth time--"Well, I'm gonna do it." And he does. Eventually. Maybe you have to cuff him a few times.

3) Brett Myers, Opening Day starter, sent to the bullpen. That's right. The Phillies have banished their supposed staff ace to long relief in favor of Jon "Chipmunk Cheeks" Lieber (I actually kinda like him as a No. 3 or 4).

Myers had the pleasure of coming out of the 'pen his very first day as a reliever, a 13-inning loss to the Nationals on Wednesday.

They showed some promise by coming back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth with a run "manufactured" in the true Philadelphia style: two walks, a sacrifice bunt, and an RBI groundout. All by the bottom of the order, natch. Getting hits is for those other teams, you know, like the Mets.

But let me reiterate. Another loss. To the Washington Nationals. Not only are the Phillies last in the NL East, not only are they last in the National League, they are dead last in Major League Baseball.

Last. In. The. Entire. Major. Leagues. I can't even watch the games and it hurts. Forget about getting better. Will it ever become tolerable?

I hope it does. I hope it does.

Charlie Manuel Pulls A Joey Crawford

There are just certain things that will cause a man's anger to overwhelm him. One is watching a 41-year old hurler make your hitters look like Christian Guzman, even though they all batted against him a week ago. Another is watching a 40-year-old outfielder who pees on his hands swat two home runs in your home park.

And if any talk radio guys attempt to get interviews--especially with his hitting coach, who is a dirty, dirty tramp--then Charlie Manuel is just gonna snap:

Expected to contend for the NL East title, the Phillies are off to a 3-9 start, including 1-5 at home.

Manager Charlie Manuel's frustration was evident after the game. The normally mild-mannered manager challenged a radio talk-show host to a fight. Manuel had to be restrained by hitting coach Milt Thompson at one point.

"We're going to win," Manuel could be heard yelling in his office.

Manuel claims the offense (e.g. Utley, Howard) is going to come back, despite the fact that most guys are morphing into Pat Burrell when men are on base. Why does he think so? Because they are "special hitters."

The Baker Bowl agrees, because these players also have a "special" manager. Here's your sippy cup, Charlie. Don't finish all your juice before we get halfway to D.C.

Recap: Mets 8, Phillies 1 [ESPN]

Billy Penn To Philly Sports Teams: "Screw You Guys"

The Red Sox had the Bambino. The Cubs have the billy goat. The Astros have Brad Lidge. But did you know that the Phillies have their very own alleged curse?

Actually, if you're a fan of Philadelphia sports, then you probably do because the "Curse of Billy Penn" is a locally-known scourge of the four "major" professional teams.

The legend goes that after the construction of Philadelphia City Hall in 1901, there was a tacit agreement that no future building should be any higher than the statue of William Penn that sat atop the 548-foot edifice.

Fast forward to 1983: the 76ers win the NBA Championship, which is Philly's most recent world title to date. A few years later, with wanton disregard for their own safety from the wrath of the Quaker community, builders completed One Liberty Place--topping out at a whopping 945 feet. Since then, a handful of skyscrapers have also been built to dwarf the statue of Penn as Philadelphians keep coming up short in playoff games, Super Bowls, owning horses that don't break their legs, and Live 8 lineups (Dave Matthews Band...ewww).

Personally, I'm not a huge fan of the use of "curse" mythologies to explain away decades of mismanagement and incompetence. Philadelphia's sports teams have sucked for years at any given time, way before they futilely tried to please their English lord by dressing him up in the whorish colors of Philly team spirit. The magnitude of sucking just increased across the board from the mid '80s to the early '90s, and poor Billy Penn was an easy scapegoat.

In a way, the 1980 annus mirabilis was the best and the worst thing to happen to Philly fans. All that success all at one time only exacerbated the pain of many successive losing seasons or heart-wrenching playoff losses. One of these days, we too will be doing stupid shit along the lines of dredging up Babe Ruth's piano or going Joey Crawford on a bunch of Quakers. That would just be counterintuitive. Way to pick such a defenseless and pious nemesis, guys.

Nonetheless, the curse is gaining a lot of capital in Philly fan circles (in remains to be seen whether one championship by any team is sufficient enough to "break" the curse, or if a Super Bowl counts as two, or a Stanley Cup as 1/2). In fact, a trio of Philly filmmakers recently screened their documentary, The Curse of William Penn, at the Philadelphia Film Festival--where I hoped they also screened other local sports-related fare. It seems to be a fairly balanced (read: skeptical) look at the curse and how it's begun to affect the Philly sports community. I really hope it gets a limited local theatrical run or DVD release; for now, check out the trailer (the math professor/chalkboard clip is my favorite).

Oh, and just to warn you guys....PAT CROCE ALERT!!

Hockey Players Are So Cheeky

The hits just keep on coming for USC athletics! This time it's an "alleged" pants-dropping incident involving Trojans club hockey goalie Michael Meyer in the third period of a game against BYU in February:

"(Meyer) rode his hockey stick like a horse and slapped his bare bottom while mooning the crowd," said officer Mike Stoffer of the North Park, Utah police department.

To authenticate the charge, prosecutors must show that Meyer exposed his genitals.

Mormons are so uptight. They're trying to nail Meyer on a "misdemeanor lewdness charge." The man is a theater major, people! Some people just don't understand performance art.

I'm just amazed that there was enough time in the middle of a game for a freaking goalie to remove a sufficient number of pads necessary for "exposure." I guess it helps when you wear your undershorts over your pants.

Between this, Master P's son, Will Ferrell's speedo, and the Reggie Bush situation, things are really getting out of hand out here.

USC Hockey Player Pleads Not Guilty To Moon Charge [Daily Trojan]

Roll of Tarpaulin, Hear My Cry

I had April 16 circled on my calendar for weeks. I had the snacks ready. I notified my roommates that the television was off limits starting at 4 PM PST. I had even cleared my work schedule (read: I left early). The occasion?

I was preparing for the first Phillies game broadcast on ESPN this season. When I'm out on the West Coast, the affiliates usually show a Dodgers or Angels game, and FOX isn't any better. It's no "game of the week" when they show the same two teams every single week. They should just call it "FSN West Weekends." So outside of satellite/pay TV (which I can't afford), the Worldwide Leader is the only hope for globe-trotting baseball expatriates in LA.

I excitedly switched the television on at approximately 3:55 PM PST, laptop in tow, hyped for a nice 3-hour liveblog. Then I saw the ticker at the bottom of the screen:

"PROGRAM ALERT: Major League Baseball, Phillies v. Mets has been postponed"

My mournful wail was heard by everyone in a 7-mile radius. Stupid Canadian moisture. I'll try once (twice?) again during finals week, though it's hard to accurately blog the ripple-like shape of Barry Bonds's enlarged skeletal plates.

UPDATE: I thought I was just grabbing an image from the Weather Channel, but apparently that Doppler Map updates in real time. That's kind of neat, so I'm keeping it there. Just trust me when I say it was raining at the scheduled game time.

Defense Is For Wussies: Phillies-Astros Series Recap

Jimmy Rollins is your National League leader in home runs.

I can't tell you how surreal it is to type that. This is a franchise with a shortstop lineage that includes names like Bowa, Jeltz, and Stocker. That just shows you how much the game has changed when the No. 6 is now a talent-rich offensive position.

The good news is that unlike the Tejadas and Michael Youngs of the world, J-Roll's still got some speed--one of his six homers was of the inside-the-park variety. Funny how nobody seems to care anymore about forcing Rollins to "hit it on the ground." Funnier how even less are worried about the effect this early hot streak is having on his mind:

"I'll take a Silver Slugger. I don't even know if the Gold Glove is an award anymore."

Yeesh. You'd think they would be a little concerned with keeping runs off the scoreboard when they're giving up almost 6 per game. Jokes are not supposed to be scary, Jimmy. Speaking of fear...

April 14: Equinophobia--fear of horses, specifically "El Caballo" Carlos Lee (one of the all-time great nicknames that are actually thinly veiled insults like "Big Donkey" Adam Dunn and "Super" Joe McEwing). Lee accounted for 3 of the Astros' 4 home runs and 7 of Brett Myers's last 9 nightmares. His ERA is approaching the number of pounds he lost in the offseason.

April 15: Onomatophobia--fear of hearing a certain name, especially in the context, "Now entering the game in the 9th inning, Tom Gordon." Perhaps I shouldn't bitch about a win, but I would not have been surprised to see the back-and-forth contest slip away from the Phils in the last inning. Plus they had double-digit LOB in both games. On the bright side, Ryan Howard is back to getting the Barry Bonds treatment.

Next Up: Two games against the Mets at Vet II. Omar Minaya is so glad he didn't stay with the Expos.

Monday's game is on national TV--can you say liveblog? (You don't actually have to. I know you're thinking it.)

USC Basketball: The Master P Era

Forget about Nick Young and Gabe Pruitt. Forget about O.J. Mayo. Meet the blue-chipper destined to take USC basketball by storm: Percy (Don't Call Me 'Lil) "Romeo" Miller, Jr.

The 6-foot music star/actor and son of Master P was one of three players that committed to Floyd and the Trojans on Friday. Demar Derozan and Angelo Johnson, a pair of Scout.com's Top 100 players in the Class of 2008, joined Miller in giving a pledge to USC.

The article fails to mention that Romeo's brother, Vercy Miller, has also pledged to join the Trojans (in addition to neglecting the more colorful spelling of his friend and fellow signee "DeMar DeRozan").

For the uninitiated, Master P was a moderately popular late '90s rapper famous for getting a tryout with the Toronto Raptors and exhorting the public to say "ugnhh" (da na na na). He's also excited about his progeny's potential contribution to the Trojan Family

"He can be polishing up his film career at USC," Master P said. "When he's finished after four years at 21 or 22 years old, he'll hopefully be able to take either basketball to the next level or Hollywood to the next level."

I understand that parents are always trying to motivate their kids, but have you seen Honey? Basketball is merely a safety net at this point. See you on campus, Romeo!

This is all part of Tim Floyd's brilliant plan to remove all remaining vestiges of dignity and seriousness from USC basketball. Somewhere, Paul Westphal is weeping.

It's A Rap: 'Romeo' Miller Commits To Trojans [FoxSports.com]