Philling In: All Your Mascot Names Sucked Anyway

Further dispatches from the continuing saga of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs mascot: from a pool of what was surely dozens of entries, IronPigs management selected 'PorkChop' as the winner and formally christened the big gray suit earlier this month. Yet another OneWord, but it's harmless and cute enough, right?

Turns out that 'Pork Chop' is kinda sorta racist to the Hispanic community. Or the Portuguese community. Or whoever. A couple weeks later, I'm still a little confused. The IronPigs reacted swiftly, re-naming the mascot 'Ferrous' (making a local-TV commercial parody of Ferris Bueller's Day Off inevitable). And while it's not clear that the new name was also entered into the original name contest, I find the official reaction captured in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated quite illuminating:

"The name PorkChop was not much better than the other names submitted," spokesman Matt Provence says. "To 'cave,' you need to give up something. We didn't really give up anything."

Yeah, screw you, winning fan! Go IronPigs!

- On the same page of the aformentioned SI, there's a great feature that asks all major league GMs to provide a "one-word assessment" of their clubs after the winter meetings. Gillick's response is "Close," which is more perfect than he knows. It's probably one of the best responses next to the A's Billy Beane ("Healing") and the Braves' Frank Wren ("Recharging"). The dunce cap is split between the Royals' Dayton Moore ("Futuristic") and the Astros' Wacky Ed Wade ("Solidifying").

- Speaking of Ed Wade, he proved he's still got it by trading for an aging Miguel Tejada days before he was outed for buying steroids in the Mitchell Report. Enjoy your new GM, Astros fans.

- And speaking of the Mitchell Report (transitions are dynamite today), the fallout for the Phillies is rather inconsequential. Like most of the guys named in the report, the former Phils that bought the juice/cow hormones either weren't that good to begin with (Gary Bennett), were already under suspicion (Lenny Dykstra), or had already been exposed (David Bell). How much did this cost MLB again?

Know Your Enemy: San Diego Padres

A sage Danny Ozark once said, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." To keep your competitive fire in the offseason, you've got to continuously measure yourself against your opponents. You've got to prepare yourself psychologically for another season full of animosity for people you've never met. You've got to Know Your Enemy.

What is it with the NL West these days? Arguably once the most likable division in baseball, it's transformed into a bona fide hate-fest for Phillies fans. And while I could easily summon my vitriol for the Dodgers and the Rockies, another club that I genuinely liked has started acting like Andrew McCarthy's asshat character in Pretty in Pink: the San Diego Padres.

First they stole Randy Wolf for the same money and incentives package he likely would have received from the Phillies (who, I should reiterate, never gave up on Wolf as his arm problems surfaced and certainly didn't take to calling him a "risk").

Then, with rumors that Tad Iguchi was re-considering the Phils' request that he switch to third base, the Pads came out of nowhere and snapped him up to start at second. Tad's "No. 1 desire was to play in San Diego"? Bitch, please. The man's No. 1 desire was a vacant 45-foot stretch of dirt between first and second base. That I can understand. I just thought he'd be playing in Colorado or something. I knew Marcus Giles had a rough year, but man, Kevin Towers is one slippery robber baron.

Just like Duckie, it's the Phillies that were the caring, colorful, and loyal-to-a-fault option for Wolf and Iguchi. But there's a reason Duckie doesn't get the girl--he's far too familiar. Phillies fans want to feel as close as possible to their players, blurring the line between passion and obsession. Padres fans, I feel, are typical San Diegans: a generally conservative, laid-back lot that take pride in their pretty scenery and their relative freedom from the burdens of history (athletic and otherwise). The Phils have a "past." The Pads, not so much.

Threat Level: Moderate to high. San Diego definietly has the pitching for another run at a playoff berth, but there's plenty of room for improvement in the lineup. Their outfield is especially...what? Jason Bay? Leave Pennsylvania alone, dammit!