Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Know Your Enemy: Houston Astros

A sage Danny Ozark once said, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." To keep your competitive fire in the offseason, you've got to continuously measure yourself against your opponents. You've got to prepare yourself psychologically for another season full of animosity for people you've never met. You've got to Know Your Enemy.


I honestly thought that we could close the book on Ed Wade as a major league general manager after that public arm of the mysterious Phillies ownership, Bill Giles, at the end of the 2005 season. Any of the good mojo he earned trading Kevin Stocker for Bobby Abreu at the beginning of his tenure was reversed tenfold by the end. Simply uttering the words "David Bell" turns even the hardest Philadelphian into a sobbing, quivering mass of flesh (unsubstantiated rumors fly about the phrase "Curt Schilling traded for Vicente Padilla" being responsible for a stroke in Norristown). Wade just seemed like a nice guy who was in way over his head.

Fast forwarding to 2007, the Houston Astros fire the manager and GM of a sluggish team struggling to replicate the success of a pennant run two years earlier, when they dispatched Wade's Phillies to earn the Wild Card. Who better to oversee personnel than the guy who watched a team that was 15 games under .500 in the middle of 2005 sneak past him and into the playoffs? To be fair, he really thought Matt Kata was going to put the Phils over the top. And according to the Astros, Drop Dead Ed actually beat out a whopping ten other candidates for the GM job. Ten! Who were they? The cast of The Real World: Sydney and three of Larry King's ex-wives?

But before this turns into another Ed Wade bash-a-thon, let's take a look at some Astros history and their current roster. Houston's franchise arc was very similar to Philadelphia's until the 1990s, when they became the NL Central's answer to the Atlanta Braves--a bunch of playoff appearances with little to show for it. Besting the Phillies for the WC in both 2004 and 2005 (on the last day of the season!), there was a chance that the Astros could have started a mini-rivalry, forever splitting the loyalties of Mark Portugal.

The 'Stros actually had been owning the Phils for several years since the two teams clashed in the first series at Enron Field Astros Field Minute Maid Park; whatever juice this matchup still has is probably carried over from the 1980 NLCS, one of the greatest playoff series of the past 30 years. One might expect a preponderance of Phillie Killers on their roster, but except for new addition Kaz Matsui that doesn't seem to be the case (betcha the Rockies are happy about the return of another GM who doesn't understand the Coors Effect). What you do have are a bunch of guys that are supposed to be dynamite against everybody--Oswalt, Berkman, Carlos Lee, and the recently-acquired Miguel Tejada. And while Houston has a potentially scary lineup once you plug in Hunter Pence and super-scrapper Mark Loretta, it's easy to see that this team isn't getting any younger.

Repetitive as it sounds, it all comes back to Wade, who within a matter of months completely decimated the depth in his outfield and bullpen (scroll to the bottom) for an aging SS named in the Mitchell Report, a decent but overhyped closer (aren't they all?), and some spare parts from his old Phillies teams. The Tejada trade actually reminds me a lot of the Jim Thome signing: a fairly questionable move from a baseball standpoint considering age and durability, but a move designed to galvanize the fanbase and get more A.I.S. (Asses in Seats).

The situation beneath the surface is so dire that, according to Wikipedia, the Astros have invited faces such as Jose Cruz Jr. and--I hope you're sitting down--Tomas Effin' Perez to spring training in 2008. If I had my way, the nation would be pulling harder for Tomas than it was for Sanjaya.

Threat Level: Low. If a couple of bumps in foul territory at Wrigley could make both of Michael Bourn's ankles buckle, what happens when he hits that stupid hill in centerfield?

Ok, one last joke: Woody Williams!