Unreasonable Doubt: NBA Playoffs 2007

In team sports, you're only as strong as your weakest link. I believe that is especially true in the NBA. Why?

Because it gives me a nice theme to go on here.

Look, it's easy to give reasons why a team will win. But this is the Baker Bowl, and we are more interesting in looking at the doom lurking around every corner. So after much redundant and expensive-looking research, I have identified the key weaknesses of each playoff team. Enjoy these tasty first-round predictions:

Detroit Pistons v. Orlando Magic
Detroit's weakness: That rowdy Auburn Hills fanbase, making the Palace the Black Hole of the NBA. Plus their backup point guard is named "Lindsay."
Orlando's weakness: The gainful employment of J.J. Redick, and the bad karma of an non-plural nickname.
Detroit in four: Grant Hill will start whimpering in the corner once the first tube of Chapstick rains down on his bald head.

Cleveland Cavaliers v. Washington Wizards
Cleveland's weakness: Everyone with a name that doesn't start with "LeBro" and end with "Njames."
Washington's weakness: Lack of a real wizard, shaman, magician, or even a medicine man. Who's going to cast a +5 agility boost on Antwan Jamison in crunch time?
Cleveland in five: The playoffs just won't be the same without this guy. We miss you, Gilbert.

Toronto Raptors v. New Jersey Nets
Toronto's weakness: Playing in Canada.
New Jersey's weakness: Playing in New Jersey.
Toronto in seven: Can you name three Nets?

Miami Heat v. Chicago Bulls
Miami's weakness: Shaq's refusal to recognize the legitimacy of the Nationwide Basketball Society.
Chicago's weakness: Two seconds on the clock. Two points behind. The ball in Ben Gordon's hands.
Chicago in seven: Really, Shaq is crazy. I don't know why he hasn't jumped the shark yet. It's one of life's great mysteries.

Western Conference
Dallas Mavericks v. Golden State Warriors
Dallas's weakness: Avery Johnson's hand was just minding its own business and then this pair of testicles just jumped right in front of him!
Golden State's weakness: The ever-present threat of a lawsuit from FTD Florists.
Dallas in four: Both of these teams also have the dubious distinction of having employed Christian Laettner!

Phoenix Suns v. Los Angeles Lakers
Phoenix's weakness: Steve Nash's uncanny resemblance to this guy...*shudder*
L.A.'s weakness: Should we start with the point guard named "Smush" or the hideous Walton progeny spawning off the bench?
Phoenix in six: And Kobe will score at least 40 in every game.

San Antonio Spurs v. Denver Nuggets
San Antonio's weakness: The lack of a restraining order against Joey Crawford.
Denver's weakness: The adoption of Allen Iverson's philosophy on practice. (Hint: it's not a game)
San Antonio in six: Spurs basketball--the cure for insomnia!

Utah Jazz v. Houston Rockets
Utah's weakness: The inevitable moment when everyone realizes that "jazz" does not and cannot exist anywhere in Salt Lake City and the entire franchise disappears with a little "poof" of irrelevance.
Houston's weakness: Dikembe Mutombo finds out that the primo seats at the State of the Union address come with a five-year commitment to the Marines.
Houston in seven: I think the tall Chinese fellow is finally ready to break out. People are gonna know his name before the month's over.

Suns in five over the Bulls for the title, finally surmounting the Upper Midwest's stranglehold on major pro sports championships this year.