Do you hear that, Bud? No, they're not saying, "boo." They're saying "Booooo-onds!"
Wait a second. They are saying "boo." They must not have DirectTV. For their sake, let's do a quick rundown of what this 2007 season should look like with the anticipated order of finish in each division. We'll start in the National League--age before beauty, you know?
NL EAST
New York Mets: I'm waiting for the inevitable "Wright to Reyes to Delgado" poem; Omar Minaya's just waiting for Pedro.
Philadelphia Phillies: If they don't win the wild card...it'll be just like the last 3 years.
Florida Marlins: Run for your lives! It's Global Warming!
Atlanta Braves: Bobby Cox realized he didn't have vertigo after all once Leo Mazzone left, just in time for the Braves' free-fall.
Washington Nationals: It turns out that Dick Cheney is responsible for Nick Johnson's injury, too.
NL CENTRAL
Chicago Cubs: Because if pigs can be made of iron, then I also believe they can fly.
Milwaukee Brewers: Do we have an over/under on when Prince Fielder starts hitting 300-foot singles just like his dad?
St. Louis Cardinals: Don't worry, Tony LaRussa's got the keys to this bus. Wait, yikes!
Houston Astros: They've got a Woody and a Wandy on the hill. Somebody stop them before it gets awkward.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Wow, Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year?
Cincinnati Reds: Good news: most of this Cincinnati team is not in jail.
NL WEST
Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles: Spending like the Mets with even less to show for it since 1995.
San Diego Padres: Khalil Greene looks like Spicoli. All I need are some tasty waves, the Giles brothers, and I'm set, brah.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Will Stephen Drew live up to his reputation as the less douchey Drew?
Colorado Rockies: The last purple team in Major League Baseball.
San Francisco Giants: Barry Bonds ending his career in last place. Poetic justice?
AL EAST
Boston Red Sox: And Theo Epstein will have Tom Brady's baby.
New York Yankees: Is their Opening Day starter really Carl Pavano? Damn.
Toronto Blue Jays: I'd root for them, but that's like rooting for the humans in Alien vs. Predator.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays: But they'll probably finish in the cellar again.
Baltimore Orioles: The Cal Ripken III cloning project is still 8 years from completion.
AL CENTRAL
Cleveland Indians: Still less racist than the Redskins.
Detroit Tigers: By season's end, will have more dead arms than the city morgue. Not that people ever get killed in Detroit.
Minnesota Twins: The Duke Blue Devils of professional baseball.
Chicago White Sox: Who will Ozzie slur next? The elderly? The handicapped? Darin Erstad?
Kansas City Royals: Remember that year the Royals were barely over .500, thus kicking in a clause in Mike Sweeney's contract that tied him to the team for even longer? Shakespearean.
AL WEST
Anaheim Angels of California: If they win the pennant, my biker dad says that he'll take me out of foster care and we'll be a family again.
Oakland Athletics: Just say no to the Fremont A's.
Texas Rangers: Hey everybody, Sammy Sosa can speak English again. It's a miracle!
Seattle Mariners: One of these years, the M's will have more losses than Ichiro has hits.
1 comment:
you flatter us with a first place slot in the NL central. but the brewers are running away with it, and though you didn't quite nail it, i'm glad you had the foresight to place them above the cardinals.
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