Where have you gone, Dutch?
I remember going to "Darren Daulton Day" at the Vet as a lad. Times were tough then: the Phillies were not only the gainful employers of Mark Lewis but also Desi Relaford. In those days, we all expected the Phils to stink.
What is occurring now is beyond all rational explanation. Stumbling to a 1-6 start for the third time in four years with this core group of players simply makes no sense. I mean, Pat Burrell is actually leading the team in average with RISP right now. The world isn't just turned upside down, it's grotesquely expanding and bursting into a million little chunks like the bad guy at the end of Live and Let Die.
That's why the Phillies need to take a drastic measure to stop the bleeding. They need somebody well-versed in the surreal nature of Philadelphia sports. They need a guide to put them on the right cosmic pathway after years of aimless astral wandering.
They need the wisdom of Darren Daulton, All-Star catcher and noted metaphysics enthusiast:
When I share my thoughts and experiences with them, I tell them there's absolutely no way their minds can comprehend what I'm trying to relate. My friends are limited to the five senses.
Translation: I played over 1,000 games for the Phillies. Then I won a World Series. In Florida. Playing in front of the type of people who didn't even have enough gas money to get to the beach. That should be enough motivation for you guys.
Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram.
Translation: Sabermetrics is very, very real. Keep an eye on Cole Hamels's WHIP and realize that Ryan Howard's 155 Runs Created will be leveled somehow this year. Everybody hits. Woo-hoo.
Numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE.
Translation: Heed the example of Jimmy Rollins--hit for contact, work on defensive fundamentals, and hustle. His leadership is invaluable.
At one point everyone was against me, kind of like I'd struck out with the bases loaded. Whenever my thoughts got totally negative, it would automatically rain.
Translation: Do not worry about the booing. Rain delays and makeup doubleheaders heal all wounds.
What goes above, also goes below.
Translation: The firings of Ed Wade and David Bell were long overdue.
The universe is made of vibrating energy. When energy vibrates fast enough on our 3-D plane, matter becomes invisible.
Translation: Try the hidden-ball trick once in a while. But not when Jamie Moyer is "pitching."
The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012. On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence.
Translation: Negotiate Howard's next contract wisely. And if you haven't won anything with the same group of guys year after year, then it's obviously a personnel problem. Do not fear change.
I can't wait to disappear. I'd disappear today if I could. I just try to live in the Now.
Translation: There's always next year.
Beam Us Up, Dutchie [SI.com]
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