Friday, December 14, 2007

Philling In: All Your Mascot Names Sucked Anyway

Further dispatches from the continuing saga of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs mascot: from a pool of what was surely dozens of entries, IronPigs management selected 'PorkChop' as the winner and formally christened the big gray suit earlier this month. Yet another OneWord, but it's harmless and cute enough, right?

Turns out that 'Pork Chop' is kinda sorta racist to the Hispanic community. Or the Portuguese community. Or whoever. A couple weeks later, I'm still a little confused. The IronPigs reacted swiftly, re-naming the mascot 'Ferrous' (making a local-TV commercial parody of Ferris Bueller's Day Off inevitable). And while it's not clear that the new name was also entered into the original name contest, I find the official reaction captured in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated quite illuminating:

"The name PorkChop was not much better than the other names submitted," spokesman Matt Provence says. "To 'cave,' you need to give up something. We didn't really give up anything."

Yeah, screw you, winning fan! Go IronPigs!

- On the same page of the aformentioned SI, there's a great feature that asks all major league GMs to provide a "one-word assessment" of their clubs after the winter meetings. Gillick's response is "Close," which is more perfect than he knows. It's probably one of the best responses next to the A's Billy Beane ("Healing") and the Braves' Frank Wren ("Recharging"). The dunce cap is split between the Royals' Dayton Moore ("Futuristic") and the Astros' Wacky Ed Wade ("Solidifying").

- Speaking of Ed Wade, he proved he's still got it by trading for an aging Miguel Tejada days before he was outed for buying steroids in the Mitchell Report. Enjoy your new GM, Astros fans.

- And speaking of the Mitchell Report (transitions are dynamite today), the fallout for the Phillies is rather inconsequential. Like most of the guys named in the report, the former Phils that bought the juice/cow hormones either weren't that good to begin with (Gary Bennett), were already under suspicion (Lenny Dykstra), or had already been exposed (David Bell). How much did this cost MLB again?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Know Your Enemy: San Diego Padres

A sage Danny Ozark once said, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." To keep your competitive fire in the offseason, you've got to continuously measure yourself against your opponents. You've got to prepare yourself psychologically for another season full of animosity for people you've never met. You've got to Know Your Enemy.

What is it with the NL West these days? Arguably once the most likable division in baseball, it's transformed into a bona fide hate-fest for Phillies fans. And while I could easily summon my vitriol for the Dodgers and the Rockies, another club that I genuinely liked has started acting like Andrew McCarthy's asshat character in Pretty in Pink: the San Diego Padres.

First they stole Randy Wolf for the same money and incentives package he likely would have received from the Phillies (who, I should reiterate, never gave up on Wolf as his arm problems surfaced and certainly didn't take to calling him a "risk").

Then, with rumors that Tad Iguchi was re-considering the Phils' request that he switch to third base, the Pads came out of nowhere and snapped him up to start at second. Tad's "No. 1 desire was to play in San Diego"? Bitch, please. The man's No. 1 desire was a vacant 45-foot stretch of dirt between first and second base. That I can understand. I just thought he'd be playing in Colorado or something. I knew Marcus Giles had a rough year, but man, Kevin Towers is one slippery robber baron.

Just like Duckie, it's the Phillies that were the caring, colorful, and loyal-to-a-fault option for Wolf and Iguchi. But there's a reason Duckie doesn't get the girl--he's far too familiar. Phillies fans want to feel as close as possible to their players, blurring the line between passion and obsession. Padres fans, I feel, are typical San Diegans: a generally conservative, laid-back lot that take pride in their pretty scenery and their relative freedom from the burdens of history (athletic and otherwise). The Phils have a "past." The Pads, not so much.

Threat Level: Moderate to high. San Diego definietly has the pitching for another run at a playoff berth, but there's plenty of room for improvement in the lineup. Their outfield is especially...what? Jason Bay? Leave Pennsylvania alone, dammit!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Randy Come Home: A Post Break-Up Letter to Randy Wolf

Dear Randy,

There's only one question on my mind.

Why?

Why did you go and sign a one-year, $9 million contract with the Padres on Saturday? Why did I have to find this out two days later from ESPN? Did you know I would be distracted on the weekend, with football and basketball season in full swing? Did you think I just wouldn't find out until it was too late for me to get really upset? It wasn't even mentioned on any Phillies website or blog, Randy. It was as if those 8 seasons you spent in Philadelphia didn't even exist.

I was fine with your brief flirtation with the Dodgers last year. After all, it was only a one-year contract. And after respecting your wishes to go off and "find yourself" or whatever it is that left-handed pitchers do, Phillies management showered you with attention once you came back on the market. But is running to San Diego the way to treat the franchise that drafted and discovered you, that stuck with you through Tommy John surgery and forgave you for leaving the first time?

Is it our ballpark, Randy? Sure, you got a few more grounders in LA but the numbers were pretty much the same when you were healthy at CBP. Moving to the Padres' cow pasture makes you look kinda shallow, if I'm being honest. And if you thought the Dodgers had offensive problems, wait until you see the run support you'll get from the Giles brothers, et al.

Look, I know things haven't gone perfectly. Philadelphia is a demanding place for a professional athlete, especially for one who grew up in touchy-feely SoCal. There's no excuse for why you were never an Opening Day starter, not when some of the alternatives were Kevin Millwood, Robert Person, and (good Lord) Omar Daal.

If you're worried about your career, I'd like to introduce you to Jamie Moyer. He's a lefty that's never really tried to overpower hitters much. He knows he'll playing in a bandbox, but he's smart enough to utilize his defensive support and capitalize on the hubris of sluggers. He's funny, articulate, and a good example for the rest of the team. Sound like any free agent you know knew? (Hint: it's not Mark Redman)

Finally, I challenge you to name one thing in Canoga Park--besides your family--that you can't find in Chester County. On the other hand, Randy, I know something you won't find anywhere but in Philadelphia. No way you could get this in California--not in the vomit-soaked all-you-can-eat bleachers in Dodger Stadium, definitely not in a place where even Bill Walton and Milton Bradley couldn't alienate the fans into fits of delirium for maddening but talented athletes. I just hope you haven't forgotten:



Sincerely,
Eric Ambler

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Do You Recall...Unlucky Phillies Caps?

The Mothership recently unveiled the Phils' alternate home uniforms for the upcoming season, based on the Fightins 1946-1949 home unis (the redesign immediately after the infamous wartime "Philadelphia Blue Jays" phase). While the Baker Bowl approves of the pinstripe-less jerseys with the snazzy blue accents, that cap brings back some bad memories. Do you recall...unlucky Phillies caps?



1994 was a bad enough year for baseball what with all that "canceling the World Series" claptrap. Unfortunately, it was also the year that Philadelphia dipped its toe into the relatively deserted "alternative" merchandise market, featuring the awfully familiar blue day game cap featured above. The record shows that these only lasted a month because the players considered them to be bad luck. I also remember the team wearing blue-billed caps during Businessperson's Specials for a few years in the mid-90s and giving rise to a similar "unlucky" myth since they always seemed to lose in day games.

As most teams have trended towards even more hideous and useless "alternative" gear in the past decade, the Phillies have shown remarkable restraint. I have been proud to say that my team isn't willing to mess with its successful uniform aesthetics just to make another quick buck from the fans. The new design, while not terrible, is kind of a letdown--not that dressing like their quite mediocre ancestors (Phillies 1946-1949 record: 278-338) should inspire much confidence in the first place. The paranoia surrounding the blue caps also brings to mind the much-maligned interleague caps--the ones with a blue brim and a small blue star superimposed on the "P"--that have produced an 86-98 record since 1997.

My theory is that the last uniform redesign in 1993 was the correct one, and any changes made to that formula only ruin the obvious good karma earned from emulating the Phillies teams of the 1950s and 1960s, perhaps the only era in team history characterized by overall competence punctuated by brief periods of complete futility (and not the other way around, as per Phillies tradition). And before anyone points out that the maroon-clad Phils won 6 division titles, 2 pennants, and the franchise's only championship, keep in mind that particular 8-season run was bracketed by major struggles both athletic and aesthetic.

For providing a temporary scapegoat for the post-1993 hangover (before we all came to the brutal realization of how flukey that team was), I fondly recall the "cursed" blue caps.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Fear and Self-Loathing In the Blogosphere

End-of-season awards almost always inspire debate, most of it useless. When faced with many viable candidates, it's human nature to think about what seems most recent or, perhaps, the image with the most mental repetition. That's why you don't generally see the Academy honoring films that were released in February come Oscar time. And, honestly, a truly egregious slight will follow the laws of karma, ultimately sullying the reputation of wrongfully feted.

(Let's all appreciate the continued sanity of Terry Pendleton, please. If I had to hear about how I was a non-deserving scrub at the end of every season, I'd snap like Dewey Cox flipping over the car in the Walk Hard trailer.)

Well, in the 72 hours since Jimmy Rollins won the '07 National League MVP award it seems like everything is spiraling out of control. Daily News columnist Bill Conlin (a dead ringer for Peter Griffin) started what seemed like the familiar print journalist v. blogger flame war: old journalist insults sabermetrics, sensitive bloggers accuse journalist of being crotchety and inaccurate, journalist fires back by citing "professional" credentials, bloggers act smarmy, life goes on.

Conlin, however, has taken the usual objective-versus-subjective scrum to new, disturbing heights by basically proposing that we need a Gestapo to "regulate" free speech on the Internet. His comments directed at the folks at Crashburn Alley are a weird kind of scary, like an online commenter emerging from the basement and chatting with Michael Barkann every evening. (Full, concise summary of the ongoing incident at Deadspin)

I've never been a Conlin fan and I'm not about to come down on his side here. But I don't think I can heartily endorse what Crashburn Alley is doing, either. Conlin's original swipes at the statistical analysis crowd are hardly anything we haven't seen before. I guess I would expect Fire Joe Morgan to give him the smackdown, but it made me uncomfortable to see a growing J-Roll MVP backlash. And as measured and objective as Crashburn's critique of the NL MVP race is, it also hints at something Phillies fans have always had in abundance: self-loathing.

It's hard to point fingers and complain and say "Why can't they just let us have something?" when your own fans aren't even on the J-Roll party bus. Fandom doesn't mean that when you see the colors you must always smile and obey. In Philly, it often means the exact opposite. But sometimes I think we question too much, to the point that our team's legacy and our own sense of pride as fans begins to suffer. We all get pissed off at pitching changes, roster moves, baserunning gaffes, whatever. But when we start raising doubts when one of our most popular and talented players is named MVP, compiling exhaustive bodies of statistical evidence (for a division rival, no less), then we really need to re-examine what we're rooting for in the first place. With Ryan Howard last year and J-Roll this year, we've earned the right to be a little happy--it's our own damn fault that we're too guilty about shedding our miserable, born-loser identity to accept it.

Finally, in J-Roll's defense:
- He makes more outs because he's a leadoff man. I'll admit his OBP is too low for comfort, but 30 HRs eases the pain a bit, plus leading the freaking league in runs shows that he's still getting the job done even if he doesn't have the eye of Kevin Youkilis.

- Crashburn Alley uses the fantastic Wins Above Replacement Player stat as part of its case, where David Wright has a 1.2 WARP advantage over Jimmy. That's great, but you really have to look at WARP in context. What does it matter when Wright is worth 1.2 wins more than Jimmy while Wright's team is 1 win worse than Jimmy's? This is why FJM can talk about Hanley Ramirez all they want and why I can continue thinking that he's basically the star point guard on the Washington Generals. Which brings me to my next point...

- It's not the "Player Who Had the Best Statistical Year" Award. It's a "Most Valuable Player" Award. Arguments like "Jimmy was a top ten player, but technically not the best player" remind me of when we were all wringing our hands over whether or not A-Rod should be MVP on a below-average Texas Rangers team. Unless the guy is an absolute hammerhead in a school of guppies, I don't see how you can justify snubbing a player from a successful team. Playing well while there are actual stakes involved magnifies and raises a player's value to his team, period.

So why still not Wright instead of Jimmy? It goes back to the post that immediately precedes this one. I like that "Most Valuable" is open to interpretation, my own interpretation being that both men were the respective emotional leaders of their teams, both had good stats when it mattered the most late in the season, both were Gold Glove-caliber defenders and Silver Slugger-caliber hitters----and Jimmy's team beat Wright's. It's that simple.

Sabermetrics are a neat, fascinating, and useful tool--but it's still the basis of a cult that won't tolerate any opinion but their own, just like the crotchety old print journalists. I won't blame the sabermetricians for defending themselves from the ludicrous number of ad hominem
attacks launched their way. But I won't support them unconditionally just because I'm young, irreverent, a blogger, or any combination of the above.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Ain't No Party Like An MVP Party

'Cause in Philly the MVP party don't stop: J-Roll makes it two in a row for the Phillies.

Mr. Team to Beat definitely deserved this award, not just for his offense or defense but for giving the Phils something they haven't had in well over a decade: a true emotional leader. There are shades here of the part in You Can't Lose 'Em All! when Pete Rose arrives in Philly and basically tells everyone regardless of their stats or contract to put up or shut up. Likewise, I think Jimmy knew that he had to scare everyone brainless and call out the Mets months before the season--he's so respected that the Phils didn't want to look stupid if they fell short of J-Roll's expectations.

I know that's mighty anecdotal and intangible-y to submit as MVP credentials. Screw it. I'm not going to be all elitist and (still) butt-hurt over Albert Pujols like Rob Neyer (ESPN Insider alert...oddly fitting). Sabermetric ratios and park-adjusted HRs and weird defensive stats and whatnot are a big part of what makes a great player, but it's not the only part, Robbie.

Really, Jimmy is "not a good defensive shortstop and didn't deserve his Gold Glove"? MVP IN YO FACE! And who's not a good defensive NL shortstop these days? That's like saying Prince sucks because Bob Dylan is from Minnesota too.

The Philly fan in me must also point out that although three of our guys finished in the top eight in MVP voting, they were still bounced from the playoffs rather quickly. This year's division title was a nice respite from all those years of disappointment but the franchise as a whole is still underachieving. Meanwhile, the consummate overachiever, Aaron Rowand, makes a cameo on the final voting tally as well. Hey, he's a lot more plausible as ballot-filler than some of the other guys on the list (Brandon Phillips? Carlos Marmol?).

This kind of makes me more relieved about the Phillies' cold-stove offseason thus far. Though could you imagine Mike Lowell at third? I'd forgive him for being a former Teal Bastard, unless they had to start charging for ketchup or something to honor that $50 million contract. C'mon Gillick! You're not fooling anyone. You might as well blow that money on somebody. Mark Prior perhaps?

And Chase--you've got your work cut out for you in '08. Congrats Jimmy!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Philling In: Write A Mascot Backstory!

The unfortunately/totally awesomely-named Lehigh Valley IronPigs unveiled their mascot yesterday. It's a little disappointing for me, as they went with the "friendly anthropomorphic animal" design instead of being consistent with their gruesome logo design and making a costume sure to give children the heebies.

The mascot's first videotaped appearance gives the impression that somebody was thinking of Charlie Manuel when they designed the thing's physique. Still moves pretty well for a fat guy, though. And, as awkwardly explained by the IronPigs PR rep in the video, the pig's name is still up in the air. It's up to you to determine whether "Jack Bauer" or "Fatty Porker" or something of that ilk will be plastered all over future IronPigs merch.

It's too bad that they won't let the fans also come up with the mascot's backstory. This is the best that a company that designs mascots professionally could offer:

According to the unnamed porker's ''biography,'' he was born in a steel mill but ''never felt he fit in with other pigs'' and was found by a Seiple Farms employee ''wandering on Route 22 searching for a place to play baseball.''

That's pretty nonsensical, even for a mascot. There are so many unanswered questions here. Is the pig organic, or was it smelted from scratch? Why the hell does it want to play baseball? Why not turn it into some sort of inspiring, RoboCop-esque story of horrible disfigurement, technological redemption, and revenge gained from dancing to the Black-Eyed Peas between innings?

And for the record, I've already submitted the name "Rivety McFerrum," so no copying.

- The Phils have collected a good deal of postseason hardware in the past couple weeks. Gold Gloves were given to the long-deserving Jimmy Rollins and the somewhat puzzling choice of Aaron Rowand (in a tie, apparently; at least it didn't go to Eric Byrnes). Jimmy also picked up a Silver Slugger along with Chase Utley, who has quickly developed a chokehold on offensive excellence among second basemen.

The big prize, of course--Rollins for MVP--is still up in the air and will likely determine the volume of posts here in the near future.

- Hey! Kyle Kendrick got 7 ROY votes! Cole Hamels also managed a sixth-place finish in the NL Cy Young voting, and probably would have been top three if not for his late-season injury (and if not for being kind of a jerk). Also, apocalypse was averted when Uncle Charlie finished second to Bob Melvin for NL Manager of the Year.

- I don't like what's coming out of the Gillick camp regarding the third base and centerfield situations. I can understand the desire to pursue pitching (considering Adam Eaton was the worst starter in the NL last year), but the offseason crop of available guys seems like a bunch of No. 3s at best. I guess we'll have to be happy with a 3B platoon. But another potential platoon at a key defensive position is really going to put a squeeze on the bench, especially since they still haven't tracked down Pat Burrell's defensive replacement yet. And what about a backup catcher?

Keep an eye on that Mariners roster, Phils fans. Names like Jeremy Reed or Jamie Burke might become more familiar very, very soon.