What To Do While You're Waiting

The period from the beginning of October to the beginning of March is traditionally a long, lonely stretch for the Baker Bowl. The Phils managed to make this Dead Zone a little more lively for the briefest of moments before making the hot stove watch priority numero uno (the prognosis so far: depressing, with the all-but-inevitable loss of Tad Iguchi and the team's desire to "remain in talks with" Antonio Alfonseca).

So what's a Philly misanthrope to do after a thrilling run to a division title was thwarted by a drive-by shooting in the NLDS? Well, how else do you mend the emotional damage of a long-term relationship gone sour? You look for a solid rebound candidate, weighing the odds of developing true feelings against the possibility of short-term benefits. Let's look at the potential suitors:

Philadelphia Eagles (2-4, last place in the NFC East)
The Good: The Iggles have roster that's a great balance between likable players and built-in excuses if things go sour, which they are (i.e. Dawkins is hurt, no deep threat in the receiving corps, etc.). And in the wacky world of the NFL--they call it "parity," I call it "mediocrity"--there will always be plenty of excitement; even this team could finish 9-7 if they get enough breaks.

The Bad: "Excitement" is too often just code for "drama." The ups and downs can be too much to handle for a fanbase that desperately needs some calm waters. The Eagles were once much more attractive but age and adversity have clearly taken their toll. Your original mental image of them, culled from preseason magazines and websites, is often spoiled by seeing them in person.

Odds of Disaster: 6 to 1...expectations have already lowered considerably, but it's generally bad practice to go after the fast and loose girl immediately after the tease.

Philadelphia Flyers (7-3-0, first place in Atlantic division)
The Good: The ugliest duckling a year ago has transformed into a beautiful swan--for now. The Flyers are famous for being able to retool quickly and maintain their historically high level of success, last season one of their rare misfires. Perhaps the only Philly sports franchise with a consistently competent ownership, front office, and coaching staff (though the coach's influence tends to be very weak in the NHL).

The Bad: The Flyers are also notorious for playoff flame-outs and perhaps more heart-wrenching "right there" moments in the past decade than the other three major franchises combined. The standings also indicate that they simply have the jump on a slow-starting division and not quite in the NHL elite just yet. Plus, the whole dilemma of explaining to your friends why you suddenly starting watching hockey like it was the new season of LOST.

Odds of Disaster: 2 to 1...like Han Solo in the Death Star trash compacter, I've got a bad feeling about this; a stunning makeover doesn't guarantee that this kinda-sorta-legitimately good team won't subject its fans to the same old disappointments.

Philadelphia 76ers (2-5 in the preseason, majority pick to finish last in division and conference)
The Good: The Sixers showed signs of life late last season, remaining in playoff contention (albeit in an abysmal conference) until their final few games. They are basically a Richard Jefferson away from being the New Jersey Nets, whom most NBA pundits regard as a potentially frisky team. A core of mostly young and improving talent surrounds Andre Iguodala, one of the most exciting players in the game. They brought back red unis. And yet expectations remain even lower for the 76ers than for Temple football.

The Bad: There's a reason why they've been picked to finish last by just about everyone. It will be painful to watch the Sixers struggle in a division where each team remains superior or has improved more than them (except maybe the Knicks, who for some reason are garnering mainstream goodwill for making a ton of random panic moves). The marketing department's mildly-inspiring slogan this year is "Not Everything Shows Up on the Stat Sheet" which translates to "this team will be fun to watch when Korver's lighting up the perimeter and Iggy's posterizing random dudes, but they're still going to lose...a lot."

Odds of Disaster: 12 to 1...ultimately, the Sixers are just eager to please and bring fans back into the fold in the post-A.I. era; it's not necessarily an easy commitment but definitely the safest one, as they will most likely be endearing and appealing even though they don't expect to receive much in return.

And I'll never truly deny that there is a J.D. Durbin-shaped void in my heart. But until spring training, Phillies, we're officially on a break. I just wish I knew how to quit you.