Though I am not a fan of NASCAR, I've always been a fan of Tony Stewart. He's the enfant terrible of the stock car set (he even still has his baby fat!), like auto racing's answer to Mark Cuban. Plus he kinda looks like Vince Vaughn.
The point is that Tony is constantly calling people out on their bullshit, no matter how much he looks like an ass for doing it. This is probably why he has his own show on satellite radio, where he recently vented on surreptitious late-race caution flags:
"It's like playing God," he said on his Sirius Satellite Radio program. "They can almost dictate the race instead of the drivers doing it. It's happened too many times this year."
"I guess NASCAR thinks, 'Hey, wrestling worked, and it was for the most part staged, so I guess it's going to work in racing, too,'" he said. "I can't understand how long the fans are going to let NASCAR treat them like they're stupid before the fans finally turn on NASCAR."
First of all, nobody's going to turn on NASCAR. They already have millions of people convinced that souped-up family sedans driving in circles for a few hundred miles is highly compelling. I don't think they're gonna care that they are now getting big crashes and close finishes.
Second of all, Stewart's comments are oddly insightful. NASCAR's business model isn't too far removed from wrestling in the sense that they polarize public opinion between their large, loyal fanbase and their equally large legion of detractors, which only inspires the fans to rally around the colors with even greater devotion.
All of which gets me to thinking: exactly what type of pro wrestlers would NASCAR drivers be?
Well, at the Baker Bowl, our policy is, "Insinuate and you shall receive an answer you never really requested."
Tony Stewart is like...
Rowdy Roddy Piper: a misanthropic blowhard constantly getting on people's nerves; supposed to be a bad guy but is a fan favorite due to his colorful personality; both of Anglo-European extraction.
Jeff Gordon is like...
John Cena: all-around good guy with meteoric rise to fame and success; constantly pushed as the public face of his organization; universally hated by a majority of fans for being a bland, weak-ass poser.
Mark Martin is like...
The Undertaker: immensely popular holdover from the old school; doesn't know he's severely dated but can't quit the game; facial features that have withered with the passage of time.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is like...
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: colossal badass with ex post facto street cred; fundamentally associated with alcoholic beverages.
Actually, Dale Jr. might be a lot more The Rock if you consider his awkward attempts at mainstream stylishness and cross-cultural appeal.
Keep on trying to diversify that fanbase, NASCAR!
Smackdown! Stewart Wrasslin' With NASCAR Way [ESPN]
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